how to talk to sensitive children about war

Introduction

Knowing how and when to talk to your children about the current war events is not a comfortable task. However they will hear about it sooner or later, so you have the option of getting in there first and explaining to them in a way that will lessen their fear. We all know by now that violence is never the answer. And the energy of aggression and violence is just creativity and life force that is not finding its healthy expression. Can we use this war as an opportunity to examine ourselves and get more creative in our contribution to life, rather than close down and harden ourselves off? This article is my contribution and I hope it will stimulate you as a parent to get creative in yourself and with your children, especially in the way you communicate during this difficult time.

Big Scary things for small highly sensitive people

To keep things real, a highly sensitive child under ten will not really be able to handle an open conversation about war, or even overhearing others talking about it. As parents you will more likely than not have had to shush or admonish adults for talking about things in front of your child that will give your child nightmares for days and make your life miserable. I wasn’t allowed to talk about 5G and many other topics in front of my siste’rs child, so I learnt the hard way how incredibly scared and non-functional she gets by topics where she can sense the underlying energy. She really goes ballistic.

These highly sensitive children don’t need to hear much to feel everything that is really going on. So as parents we really need to be aware of that and respect it. Small children are not equipped to handle very big abstract emotions from the collective field, and they certainly can’t cope on their own. That is why I would suggest it’s a good idea to find a creative solution for talking to them about the war that has just started. They will be having the whole experience anyway. If your child stopped eating, sleeping, or started bed-wetting, having tics or any other symptom around Monday this week then it’s fairly likely it was related to their sensing global events unfolding. You can help them not be alone with the emotional experience by finding some way to talk about it openly. They will likely overhear other people on the phone and in the room discussing events so best to bring the topic out in the open on your own terms first.

Tell the truth but don’t give all the details

Telling the truth is essential or you lose your child’s trust and respect. However it’s worth responding when your child shows interest rather than just dumping the conversation on them out of context. And if your child doesn’t show interest keep it brief and move on! Just like when your child first starts getting interested in how babies are made – which is often as early as age 3 – you find a way to give an answer but with a level of detail that suits the child’s age and vocabulary. If you can do this in a way that is genuine, uncomplicated and unashamed, your child will accept what you say and move on. They will ask again a few years later most likely, and a few years after that, and you can give more detail. Children ask on a need to know basis – and the general rule that seems to work is to answer with as many words in a sentence as their age in years. Keep it short and simple if they are very young, and watch their face and body for signs of comprehension or confusion. It’s not nearly as difficult as we make it out to be.

Using a real-life family example as an analogy

We’ve just been through the whole thing with COVID so you may already have practise in explaining scary things. I’ve written elsewhere about how children pick up on the global unconscious and feel the global anxiety directly, and what you can do to help them cope. In a way war is no different in terms of explaining. You might like to think about smaller examples of war in your own home – something that happened recently that you managed to resolve. For example “Do you remember last week when you and your brother were doing the Thomas the tank engine puzzle and you wanted to do the whole engine but so did your brother? And after he pinched you and you cried I suggested you each did different halves, and I finished off the sky with you? War is a bit like that. One person wants all the land and all the cities, but so does someone else. They do quite a lot of hurting each other in order to try to come to an agreement and its very upsetting. In the end they hopefully reach an agreement and settle things but it can take a lot longer to sort things out because they don’t have a Mummy helping a lot of the time and they are very annoyed and upset”. They may want to know where the tanks are, and getting out a map and explaining the distances with references to a family holiday to Spain or France for example may help. By understanding that it is futher away you may give them some sense of relative safety. Unless you are reading this in Poland or close by in which case I’m really sorry. You’ll find a way.

Or there may be an example of when they were bullied at school, or even when you as parents fought in front of the child. By giving them an immediate example that they can relate to emotionally but that wasn’t catastrophic for them in the sense that it didn’t leave lasting trauma and was resolved, you will help them to be able to put some kind of label on the word war. This will help them go to their own mental image when they hear people talking about it, rather than constantly tuning into the actual horrors happening in real time which will be really overwhelming for them to bear. Once you have given your explanation and checked in with them for their understanding and questions they may have, you don’t need to dwell on the subject. Focus on something playful, fun and constructive and get on with life.

Why facing the discomfort of having difficult conversations is worth it

As an adult with a fair amount of comprehension I have been dreaming of bombs, trenches, people screaming and a lot more that I won’t detail here since January. I have had inexplicable pains in my body, life has been really difficult – and I’m 99% sure that these experiences relate to this war since I went through similar before the Asian tsunami, 9/11, and in the 2 months leading up to the emergence of COVID. As an adult I have coping mechanisms, memories of previous experiences and capacity to survive which children don’t.

Children are being hit directly with waves of unconscious terror, shock, grief and horror without having any words to talk about what they are feeling, and mostly very much alone. What I really want parents to know is that the emotions themselves are not what cause the distress – it’s going through them alone. Being alone with very big feelings creates trauma because they overwhelm the child’s nervous system. The big feelings themselves are not the real problem. A very small sensitive child will have immense capacity to feel if they are accompanied and understood, held and empathised with. At this time, your children – especially if they are highly sensitive – need the real you. Not a perfectly finished healed and thought through version of an ideal parent – but the real raw imperfect you, WITH THEM in their experience.

How do I handle my discomfort and distress as a parent?

So we’ve dealt with how to talk to your children – but in a way that’s the easy part. As parents of highly sensitive children you have learnt (at least to some extent) that you need to bracket off or put aside your own emotions when you talk to them or they just can’t hear you. Gentleness and calming your own nervous system first is the key to relating to them and getting through. If you are still scared when you talk to your children that’s ok, but tell them you are a bit scared, explain, and then ask if they’d like to go for a walk in nature with you. Do something to calm and uplift you both.

Take some time to sort through and name your own emotions

Are you anxious and disturbed? Are you wondering if you will be safe on mainland Europe? Your feelings are valid and need to be listened to. They may save your and your family’s lives. If you have living relatives like parents who lived through the second world war then you are likely to be experiencing some form of reactivated war trauma, which is a very intense experience to have. There will be elements of unspoken horror, terror, survival angst, anger, rage, and overwhelm. You may experience extreme stomach and digestive pain, a general sense of angst, fear, contraction and withdrawal from life. Others may find they are irritable, have a short fuse or are more tearful than usual. Nightmares and insomnia are probably happening globally. There is nothing weak or abnormal about experiencing any or all of the above. What is very important is that you adjust your life and allow yourself to experience them fully, so that those emotions don’t spill over onto your children. Please acknowledge that this is a very hard experience globally and much more so for those of us who are highly sensitive. This will help you keep a relatively stable family environment which will to some extent buffer your children. The calmer and more internally regulated you can be when you talk to them the safer they will feel.

Coping Strategies for the Highly Sensitive in times of War

The energy of what is happening is already widespread and hard to avoid. Just like during the pandemic. However there are ways you can prevent yourself from being sucked under by staying very focused and grounded. Small immediate practical tasks that require your full focus can help keep you in your body and not paying attention to global events. It may also help you to be aware of actively pulling your attention away from energetically scanning your environment for danger. Many of us do this automatically in times of global trauma – such as the pandemic – and we’re already adrenally exhausted from the stress this creates.

You can make a choice to pull your attention into yourself and put your focus somewhere practical and constructive. Creative is even better. If you imagine yourself like an octopus or anemone retracting and pulling in its tentacles this can really help. Also closing the energy above your head and pulling it into your crown so you don’t pick up so much information. Unless I do this I get a 24/7 energetic commentary on disasters sometimes with flash visuals and its very distressing – many of you reading this may relate in your own ways though mostly adults don’t openly admit to feeling so much. Just think of how it may be for your children who are mostly even more sensitive…

Can you dance your experience? Is there something you have been looking forwards to doing for a long time that will make you feel satisfied and give you a sense of fulfilment? Maybe get started now. Draw, paint, write, sing, mend and hammer your way to something real that helps you personally to not get lost in the global misery. Please do not watch the news and stay away from the papers. For sensitive people this is pure toxin as they open your sensitivity up to scanning outside of yourself and you take in the whole swamp of horror and misery. You really do have a choice in this, and to learn how not to go there is a discipline that requires effort. The simplest way I have of describing it is that the denser and more compact you can feel inside your body the less you will pick up externally. Eating regularly, and warm grounding foods like root vegetables and protein will certainly help. As will spending as much time in nature and away from electronics, without a mobile phone. It’s the same drill as always for looking after your health but you need to be extra vigilant right now.

Understanding and owning the origins of War

War begins in the individual. If a person is angry but has learn to feel anger directly rather than project it outwards, there can be no violence. War as expressed in the external world in political nations bombing and killing each other is an archetypal expression. It can’t happen if one person – the leader – doesn’t accumulate enough violence within their own being to think they are justified dumping or projecting it on another. It’s a very primitive and unconscious form of being, which all my parenting work sets out to undo and unravel at the source. Namely the individual parent. Children are not naturally violent. When they experience hurt or disregard they learn to hide that hurt by defending and attacking. It really depends what parents model to them how they learn to deal with life.

Putin doesn’t seem to be as derranged and unstable an individual as Trump for example, but he is equally dangerous and hurt in that he equates feeling right with the right to exert force over others. This is not an unalienable human right and a total misunderstanding of life. Yet Putin is also the product of two parents who taught him to behave as he now does based on their own best intentions and highest aspirations.

What are you teaching your children about conflict resolution by example?

Maybe you would like to reflect on what you are teaching your children. Do you blame and punish them? Do you yell at them? Are your children acting entitled – and if so why? Do you manage to feel your own anger responsibly in your body when triggered and communicate with your partner or children later on when you are calm? Have you worked on your own skills of expressing your needs and boundaries verbally without guilt? These are all important questions to ponder and there are many more. There are so many positive creative reflections and actions you can take as an adult to clean up the war inside your own experience right now. Rather than fretting about WW3 maybe just focus on the herculean task of resolving war within your own being and your family. And doing this will certainly contribute to a faster resolution of the current crisis. We are all connected, and the thoughts, feelings and actions of every single individual count. I hope you let that be a daily inspiration.

Conclusion

We have looked at how helping your children name and be with their emotions will help prevent lasting trauma. It will also increase their ability to carry on with daily life right now. You may want to give yourself a few days to get your own thoughts/feelings organised and regulate your own emotions before tackling communicating with your children, and that’s ok. Please be gentle with yourself as a parent! If you are not managing your own anxiety please talk to someone. Or have some bodywork like Somatic Experiencing or craniosacral to regulate your nervous system. If you have a history with war trauma do a family constellation or some ancestral clearing. There are so many modalities available now that can support you in reducing overwhelm and keeping your daily life functioning.

In every crisis there are hidden opportunities – and in this one there may be another large dose of self-healing up for grabs, as well as chances to strengthen trust and communication in your family. If you want to do your part in transmuting the global energy then turn your inner conflict into action and do something creative. Anything. It doesn’t really matter what. It’s not what you do it’s the way that you do it. Desperate times call for crazy dancing, gardening, writing, empathising and more …