Introduction

When you honestly list the things that annoy you about your child it would be wise to take a good look at yourself and identify in what ways you are similar. A bit of self-acceptance can go a long way to creating more tolerance for your child… That children reflect or mimic their parents’ behaviour is not just a phrase, it is actually true. Their brains and nervous systems copy and model themselves on what their adults do. This can include the most obvious aspects like imitating words and gestures, down to more subtle things like particular gaits when walking, sleep habits and mental states. 

Our Western Culture views children as the problem

And yet parents don’t know where to look for solutions on the whole other than at their children, partly because the cultural focus is on medicating and controlling “badly behaved” children. It is also partly because the adult’s connection to their deeper sense of self has become very dilute in western society. The tendency is to seek external help and pay an expert to sort out family dynamics rather than reflect internally to work out the solution.

Sadly there are no ideal solutions that an expert can give because no two families are alike, nor are any two individuals. There are some general principles, but the details will always vary depending on the particular child, parents and circumstances. The answer will always arise out of the relationship between the individual parent and the particular child.

How parents can shift the family dynamics  to find solutions

The solution is a result of the parent’s personality and authentic response, and the particular child’s character and needs. Mira

The key to solving the children’s problems, ironically, lies usually not in the child, but in the parent finding their own centre, and coming into a deeper feeling connection with themselves. This is where doing awareness sessions can have profound effects in supporting the parent’s process of becoming more aware of body sensations and emotions. When a parent becomes more grounded and embodied through online sessions, they are able to be more present with their child. (Since in-person contact has been limited we now practice the same thing online using somatic experiencing). The days of being lost in their thoughts are over. They are more able to respond with intelligence to the real needs of the child.

If you´re not convinced, maybe consider the following. A parent who can’t really feel themselves or doesn’t know how to manage their own undulating emotional states, would probably not be in a position to notice the effect they have on their child. It is a simple fact that a parent who is unable to handle their own emotions will not be able to provide a satisfactory environment in which the child’s brain and nervous system can develop fully.

A child that has no words or means to express what they sense they are lacking but can’t get, will of course feel hurt, frustrated and start acting out. The child has a tantrum. Is something wrong with the child? Yes, s/he is not getting what they need from their environment, but the source of the problem is the parents. 

Finding solutions to problems with HSCs…

For Highly Sensitive Children, parental awareness or lack of it has an even more heightened effect on their state. The HS child’s problems are often “relational” ie. the child is directly influenced by the unseen emotional energies and responses emanating from the parent. If they are being overwhelmed by the parent’s unfelt rage, or suffocated by their grief, or affected by a mother’s constant nerves and hysteria, they won’t be able to do schoolwork or play happily. This is the gross and basic level. On a more subtle level, every unfelt need and emotion in the parent’s field affects the child, who responds to the unspoken and unseen as if it were concrete, even if the parent is unaware of it. This is no-one’s fault, and yet the child is just a fresh and enthusiastic expression of malleable new life and in that sense, whatever behaviour they are exhibiting is a direct reflection of what is going on in their surroundings…

When I work with parents on family dynamics we observe the direct energetic effects that parents have on their children and vice versa. We notice how the child relaxes when the mother leans back in her chair. We look at how the child responds if the mother drops her defensiveness or need to be right.  We see responses to change in voice.  I set exercises to help parents to see what is going on in their interactions, and how they are contributing. I also teach parents to first regulate their own emotions, so that they can support the children in receiving the emotional regulation they really need.

This is very different from responding by using parenting ideas or ideals. These are actual real-life observations of what works. The result is instantly visible in a happier, calmer, more co-operative, trusting and responsive child… which is way more evidence than an “expert’s” opinion that you are doing things right. This is something any parent can learn and find out for themselves with a bit of time and attention.

This makes parenting sound like a lot of effort!!

As you know parenting is exhausting. Whether you make a relatively good job of it or not. So you might as well give this a try. All I am suggesting is that you learn and practise giving your children the quality of attention that they need to thrive and develop. Then they won´t have ¨problems¨. or far fewer. It takes twenty minutes a day of quality present attention.

All human beings have this capacity when they are switched on and aware – we all know instinctively how to respond to another, when to back off and give space, when and where to touch another to comfort, how to generate fun and excitement. These are innate capacities. Craniosacral therapy or Somatic Experiencing can help the family dynamics precisely because it brings us back in touch with our instinctive responses and drives. This helps by-pass the layers of mental conditioning that we learn from birth, and that have some very unhelpful aspects when it comes to parenting…

The challenge to re-establish this balanced in the moment awareness,  and find a way to get around (or put aside) the piles of emotional reactiveness and drama caused by our own painful and traumatic life experiences so that we can really be with the children.

 “Being with” fully and sensitively is mainly what children´s brains, nervous systems, and sense of self require from us as adults in order to develop effectively.

Much more so than adults, HS children can’t cope with overwhelming emotions of rage or terror. When adults express these without really experiencing them themselves or taking responsibility for them they can feel very loud. Children´s energies and boundaries are much more permeable, and their nervous systems simply not as robust or able to absorb shock. A placid seeming baby or small child may in fact be in a state of total shock and nervous system shut down for survival reasons…This is why craniosacral therapy often works especially well for them since it is able to take account of the subtleties of their system and to allow them to rebuild broken boundaries, re-establish nerve pathways and learn to allow their life force fully…

Am I supposed to have no emotions? How can I prevent damaging my child… 

It is up to the adult care-takers to feel these emotions directly so that their toxic side-effects don’t spill over to the children. There are at least two very different experiences for a child: firstly the example of an adult who has rage or grief or terror in their energy field but is not aware of it, and is taking it out on those around them. And secondly, an adult who is really feeling those emotions and in contact with them. The former may smother and terrify a small child and be felt keenly, and experienced as very confusing and overwhelming. The latter is not frightening for a child on the whole, even if they still experience the adult’s emotion, because it is clear that the adult is the one with that emotion, and able to handle it, own it, talk about it and say what is going on. This makes the child less prone to thinking the emotion the adult is having is their fault, and also less frightened that it will be taken out on them. It makes them feel safe.

Taking responsibility for emotions

And the key in this is for the adults taking care of children to be taking responsibility for themselves and for their own actions, reactions and emotional states. That means to be feeling the sensations and emotions in their bodies directly – which is precisely what craniosacral therapy can help you do – rather than blaming them on others or the external environment. That is all the kids need – they don’t need a zen monk who is calm and totally balanced as a parent – they just need someone who is feeling their own stuff and not inflicting it on the space around them, and even then, only most of the time.

Better still they need at least one parent who is centred enough in themselves and aware enough to be able to sense how the child is, and respond to them clearly so that they can learn to get a sense of themselves.

Effects of Online Sessions on the whole family dynamic

In the process of working with a child, and then often with the mother, a gradual emotional and mental separation of the individuals in the family happens. As each one becomes clearer in themselves and more connected with their own emotions, wishes and experience, a space of clarity opens up in the family as a whole and things begin to change. Sometimes explosive energies are released in one or more family members for a week or two as old held back energies surface to be released. But then things stablise once more. Real relationship begins to happen, where individuals can feel themselves, express what they are experiencing, ask for what they need, empathise with the other, and respond genuinely to another’s needs. Often a lot of joy and creativity are also generated in the process.

As one father put it:

“I am so grateful to you for the work you have done with me and my family. I can’t even begin to express. First I learnt to feel my body and to be more in my flow, now the answers to my business issues come to me much more easily, and the most wonderful thing is that the whole family is on board. We are making changes in our lives but we are all doing it together, so its making sense and feels like real fun. No-one is compromising and we’re finding ways to make things work for all of us together. It’s the most amazing experience…”

In that particular family, the father came for sessions first, followed by the mother, and then finally the two children, who made huge progress. These happened to be parents who realized that by far the largest influence you have on your child is by example, not by coercion, which is why they came first, rather than sending their children. They understood rapidly that if your child is exhibiting a certain behaviour, you need to look for and correct it in yourself as the parent. Obviously, such family dynamics take some effort and willingness to uncover, but the effort is so worthwhile. In the words of the same father,

“I just can’t imagine where we would be now as a family without you. In the last year of working with you, we have found a new direction together, and sorted out so much of our chaos. We’re all happier and much closer than before. And we’re working with each other rather than fighting our own positions.”

Doing online sessions can have a huge impact on the family dynamics through the awareness it gives the individuals, and the process of growth which it catalyses. Because it is an embodied rather than thought-centred process, effects are profound and lasting.

The family dynamic is unique to each configuration of individuals and affected by generations beyond the current one. As parents see their own patterns reflected in their developing children they become aware of the way their parents behaved with them and can heal and change old rifts and conflicts within themselves.

The more honest and clear the parents become as they peel off the older layers of their own experience, with the awareness gained in craniosacral sessions, the more secure the children feel as a rule. Children long to connect with adults that they can feel are really there, that are really coming from their centre and whom they can count on to show up, to respond. That way they can get a sense of themselves and develop, which is every being’s deepest yearning.

Often one partner develops at a different rate from the other, and during sessions, we gradually learn not to take things personally, and just to look at our own side of the equation, to do our own work, and let the others take care of themselves. (I have written elsewhere about what to do if your partner is not open or sympathetic to understanding High Sensitivity). Life has an amazing way of organising the dynamics of change within a family to provide just the right events at the right times, to fit in with what is going on externally. What looks like a catastrophe can often catalyse deep healing and a shift to a much more positive space for everyone.

The key is always to stay in the open, to stay in the space of not knowing, to be with whatever emotions and impulses are arising and to trust. The process of change can be daunting at first, but as people get used to it, a sense of trust and excitement can develop for whatever will come next. The general movement is always one of allowing authenticity, expanding aliveness and joy and a sense of collective growth and evolution. It is the most wonderful thing to be involved in as a family.