Empathetic Parenting | Sensitive Children

Parenting Support, Highly Sensitive Children & Neurodiversity

Resolving Separation Anxiety (or How to get your child to play independently so you can get on with things)

by Leave a Comment

separation Anxiety

Introduction

Separation anxiety appears to come in many different forms – whether it’s your child crying at the school gate, screaming as you leave for work, or just not wanting to be put down on the ground whilst you cook. It can be intensely frustrating for parents.

I remember a few years back when my sister rang me in tears complaining that her three-year-old wouldn’t even let her go to the toilet alone… Yes, it’s true that the stress that this clinginess can bring on is often extreme. And yet I’m going to demonstrate here how the answer is remarkably simple and instant often if as parents we stop focusing on what is wrong with the child and come back to ourselves. Are you surprised to hear this? It can seem counterintuitive, but once you have seen how it works for yourself, you will be applying it in so many aspects of your day!

Separation Anxiety – So what did I say to my sister?

 You may well be wondering what the outcome of the call was. Well, I could hardly contain my laughter because to an outsider sometimes things look obvious (though of course I’m not that mean) and I understand that the time after birth can be very difficult and stressful. All I said was just put your daughter (aged 3) outside the toilet on the floor. Tell her you’re going to close the door and pee alone, and then you will come out. She hung up, followed the instructions, and rang me up in utter amazement that her daughter was playing happily in the corridor when she emerged.

How do I get my child to be more independent?

I had an Australian client years ago with a four-year-old son, no father in the picture, who understandably got very anxious every time his mum went out to work. He had intense separation anxiety including screaming, kicking, and tears. He was left with a Balinese nanny who spoke little English. Despite this, we resolved the screaming and clinging in a different way seemingly, although really it’s the same principle. My client worked on being clear in herself that she needed to go to work, that this was non-negotiable, and on withdrawing her anxiety away from her child. She energetically detached her emotional concern from him, stayed in her center, and calmly communicated what she would be doing. She walked out of the door, left him with the babysitter, and there was no more screaming.

How does it work?

You may wonder why this worked or how it can work at all. Doesn’t the detachment create more clinging? Well, no, in fact, it’s the opposite. The Australian mother didn’t put up a hard deflective wall. She simply became very solid and clear in herself. By removing her energetic focus from the child but staying present in the room she enabled him to feel much safer about their connection. He could feel that he was safe too, because her anxiety was no longer touching and influencing him. He got it instantly.

Is it really that easy? Can it really be that simple? Yes, sometimes it can. Not always, yet in the majority of cases it is. Recently I spoke to another mother who was needing to work with clients online during the day, but her infant son was insisting on sitting on her lap, which didn’t work for her professionally. She was at her wit’s end for what to do. Until we talked about how she could withdraw her emotional energy from him back to herself, owning all her worry that he needed her, and just ask him to play with his toys on the floor for a while.

When we next spoke she was beaming – she simply decided that it was going to work, things needed to change, and she made it happen. She stopped worrying, shifted her own attention back to herself, established clear boundaries, and created the safe environment that the child needed. It worked at the first attempt, much to her surprise.

So what is separation anxiety then?

People often think separation anxiety is something to do with the child, and their unwillingness to let the parent out of their sight, or not wanting to feel alone. From my own observations with caring, stable parents it is actually mostly not that, but rather to do with the parent’s own need to stay connected with the child. (I am not saying that this is always the case – in children with severe trauma and other developmental disturbances there may be more complicated factors at play that require professional intervention as well as parental education).

When children are born they are very vulnerable, and making sure they survive is paramount for the parent, who becomes often hyper-sensitive. Parents think about newborns day and night and attend to their every whimper. This is correct and appropriate and can carry over well into toddlerhood, though parents also get very tired and sleep deprived in the process. Usually, eventually, something has to give. Either out of simple physical necessity or the need to be alone, somehow the parent manages to separate from the child and get some alone time and rest. However, sometimes this is a very painful process where the child cries and resists. It makes you wonder, then what happens in the families where it is not difficult – where the child learns to play independently in a peaceful, contented way?

Is it about the child’s temperament?

Is it the temperament of the child that affects this ability? Well, it might be sometimes. But more often than not it is the parent’s emotional state that affects the outcome. Parents who are anxious, worried, concerned, or whatever other label we want to use, transmit the feeling to the child that they need the child close. This logically makes the infant insecure every time the parent is further away, and they protest.

Similarly, a parent who doesn’t worry, but is available and relaxed, yet centered and focused, can easily get on with a task whilst the child plays independently. This doesn’t mean being cut off or isolated from the child – on the contrary, there can be easy and immediate verbal responses, and offers of assistance if required. The parent is physically, mentally, and emotionally present which is what the child needs to feel. So the child learns that they are safe, the parent is there if they need them, and they can explore more and more of their own experience and space without interruption.

How is your Ability to Separate?

Most of the time, technically separation anxiety therefore is related to the inability of the parent to stop worrying, or to own their anxiety, and let the child have their own space. And of course whilst they are worrying, they are not transmitting the calm presence the child needs to feel to settle. This trains the child into a certain habit of dependence. However, this habit can be almost instantly reversed, especially in young children.

Imagine the parent like a strong magnet, which is what the child experiences when a parent is worrying, anxious or concerned. It draws the child close. Yet when you switch the magnet off – the parent relaxes – the charge simply falls away, and there is space for the child to move freely.

But how do I make this change when I’m so used to something else?

It’s really much easier if you imagine that you are like a sea anemone or octopus. You have sticky tentacles or suckers reaching out toward your child at all times to check on them. These suckers are your parental concern or anxiety. All you do is imagine pulling them back towards your core, like when a sea anemone out of water retracts back to form a blob. No reaching. Lots of space for the child.

Incidentally doing this also brings you directly back into your body, your center, and in touch with sensation. It helps you be focused and collected, which in turn helps you set a clear verbal and energetic boundaries. So when you say to your child I’ve put some colours and paper out for you in the playroom, and I’d like you to do some drawing for the next twenty minutes whilst I cook, your child has no hesitation in fulfilling your request. Because you aren’t offering any other options energetically.

The difference between chaos and peace

This is just a brief illustrative article to teach you some tools and share a profound insight. When you practice this and see the effect it has on your children, you will maybe also see the other areas of life where you can apply the same principle. If you “connect” with your children by energetically reaching out to them you may flood them with your emotion and you will have the chance to observe chaos in your home.

As you center yourself and get clear, are internally calm, and have a sense of your edges then you can connect with them for real, by allowing them to have their own emotional experience separate from you whilst you have yours. This is what enables them to stay connected with themselves and feel happy, explore, and grow. It is a really profound gift to give, and will often lead to relaxed creative play and exploration.

Conclusion

What we have outlined here is a simple solution for resolving separation anxiety that relies on the parent literally separating themselves from the child emotionally. This is what creates the calm and safety that the child needs in order not to feel anxious! It looks counter-intuitive initially. However if you apply what you have read here and practice, you will make some amazing discoveries for yourself. Don’t be fooled that these changes take time – they don’t. They are instant when you really come back into yourself and detach energetically. If you want help with a particular situation that you are not managing to resolve, then please message me directly. I hope you have fun exploring with your family.

 

Please feel free to share but always credit the author and source. © Mira Watson

Shyness and reluctance to try new things – parenting children with sensory issues

by Leave a Comment

Introduction

Sensory issues can be hard to spot. I have found that parents often get extremely anxious and wound up about the fact that their highly sensitive child refuses to try new things. Often they have no idea they are parenting a child with sensory issues. They are often distressed when they approach me for help with their child’s reluctance in new situations. Whether that’s the first day of camp, a new after-school sport or a party with people s/he doesn’t know, they can trigger meltdowns and flat refusals to participate. What is often distressing for the parent is that the emotional response seems so inexplicable – the child actually loves going to that place, or doing that activity, or hanging out with those people. So what is going on? This can cause great frustration and concern to you as a parent. You want your child to be happy and also socially integrated and “normal” as far as possible. You may end up seeking therapy such as cognitive or play therapy for your child – which I will argue here is not necessarily appropriate. The initial factor which is often overlooked is your anxiety about your child’s issue. I don’t say this as a criticism or to apportion blame. Rather the mechanism by which these issues are passed down is often invisible unless we can see the bigger generational picture. We will look at some of the dynamics of what may be going on, and how parents can support their children in these situations to feel better, be more relaxed, and continue to develop.

Anxiety, shyness and holding back – what do they mean?

You may be very aware that your child signs up for a new activity like soccer or drumming. Yet when the day arrives for the first class they cry or throw a tantrum and don’t want to go. If you manage to get them in the car and drag them along, they may enter the area clinging to your leg whilst protesting and looking away. Does this sound familiar? You’re well within your rights to ask yourself what is going on. It can be very frustrating, given their initial enthusiasm to participate and their repeated requests to you. Some parents even get so worn down that they develop anxiety in advance of the new class starting themselves. 

There are probably at least three separate issues going on here, which we will deal with separately. Understandably as their parent, you may wonder if your child has a “real” problem, and they may need to see someone. I don’t mean to diminish the severity of the behaviour and its dramas. However I am going to suggest you finish reading this article before you come to that conclusion. In my experience it often avoids resolving the real issue, which stems from the relationship between the parent and child – you will see how this works out below.

Often the second aspect of what is going on is that something is happening in the child in this new situation that leaves them feeling very scared or unsafe. When new things are scary even for adults, the level of fear can border on excitement because we know how to rationalise – we are able to think about the fear. So parents sometimes use this as an argument to encourage children – but it really misses the point as what the child is experiencing is way stronger. They are experiencing one or more emotions and body sensations that frighten them to the point of dissociating and spacing out, or they are simply overwhelmed and shut down to survive – hence the meltdown. They may include tingling, dizziness, nausea, stomach ache, headache and a number more. These are all indications that your child needs more support to go into this situation and be successful. I will suggest here that the support the child needs is best given by one or both parents, with support from a parenting professional.  That support comes from more attuned relationship from the parent(s). More on exactly what in a moment.

The holding back is often a self-protection mechanism, even though it may look like an annoying and unnecessary habit. Your child is sensing that there is something that will be unpleasant for them, too much and overwhelming, or just too frightening. Their body is sending them those signals, even though they may relate to past events, not to the present. To avoid trauma, they try to withdraw in advance. This is actually intelligent, and one of the first steps in working with you as parents is to show you how to trust your child’s instinct and take note.

A third aspect may be social overwhelm which is a separate topic. Highly Sensitive Children perceive and absorb vast amounts of emotional, physical and mental information when they meet new people. This is why they are usually better able to cope one on one, and even then they take a time to warm up and get comfortable. You may already have observed how if there are at least one or two children at a party that your HSC already knows, then getting into the swing of things is much smoother. Those people serve as anchor points, or safe islands to connect with and move out from. Or just to stay put with and weather the noise and chaos with more safety. So if your new activity or situation involves a lot of new people too, it may help to be aware of this. However, this is quite a complex subject so I will be dealing with it in a later article in more depth.

First things first – helping you the parent manage your own reaction

Parents often don’t count their own reaction to their child’s issue as a factor in what is going on. The child has the problem. But this isn’t always so because HS children’s behaviour are hughely influenced by their parent’s emotional state. I always ask how a mother or father feels about their child’s behaviour. Often the answer is anxious, worried, and often includes frustration. If the reaction is strong, the first thing we do is work on clearing the charge to their child’s behaviour. I have worked with a number of mothers who have been able to clear their own anxiety and learn to be (mostly) calm and present in their bodies when their child goes into the typical behaviour. Sometimes this takes weeks, sometimes it can take a year or more when there are long-term deeper family issues at play. As soon as the adult shift happens there is usually an immediate change in the child’s behaviour. Why? Because a non-anxious parent who is present with their child makes their difficult experience a whole lot safer, just by being there. Their nervous system supports the child’s parasympathetic system and ability to sense the body. And if they learn to accompany the child and talk to them whilst they are having the experience, things are guaranteed to work themselves out. We’ll look at this idea with practical suggestions below.

Sensations – slowing down and getting to the bottom of things

I’m going to suggest something here that has worked for many of the parents I have accompanied. First of all, think back and remember what signs of discomfort you have observed in your child before the new situation. Do they go through a familiar sequence as the moment approaches? Would it be possible for you to be calm and as the moment approaches, connect with your child as soon as you start to notice them getting upset or agitated? You might just ask gently how they are and what is going on. Or offer a hug and a glass of water. Or a comforting touch. Something to let them know you are with them.

For example, “Hi Sam, I can see you’re getting a bit antsy or nervous. What’s going on?” You may get a reply about that funny feeling, or feeling dizzy, or sick. The important thing here is to be very connected inside your own body as the parent so that you can get a good sense of your child, independent from yourself. You may be able to ask them if they can feel their feet, or what part of their body feels good. You can reassure them that whatever they are sensing, you can take a few moments out to feel it with them, have a drink and some quiet, breathe some fresh air and wait until they are ready to proceed. You may want to share that you sometimes get these feelings too, and that it’s ok to feel them but they don’t are not dangerous and don’t mean you have to stop what you are planning to do.

Helping your child regulate their nervous system can increase their capacity to sense

What is going on here neurologically is that you are helping them to regulate their nervous system by reducing the overall load, helping things subside, and lending them your own calm system to attune to. If you can help your child to be aware and stay inwardly connected, they will start to regain a sense of safety even with the sensations inside their body. Over time this means this means that the same sensation will be something they recognise as familiar, rather than causing panic. For this to happen they will need your help in practising noticing, slowing down and naming the sensation. Try to stick to actual body sensations rather than emotions, as sensations are easier to isolate as felt facts. Emotions usually come attached to very loud circular mental stories about things that take you into the mind and right away from sensations. This is useful if the sensation scares you, but not so useful if you want to overcome your fear of it!

A real-life recent example

I recently worked with a mother of a five-year-old girl who repeatedly refused to go to ballet classes although she loved dancing. It got so bad that the girl started vomiting every time before even getting in the car and her mother had to stop classes. When I started working with the mother she was convinced her daughter needed medication. However after three months, we had begun to tackle the mother’s high anxiety, and she was learning to handle her own stuff separately from her daughter’s reaction, things turned around. The mother was able to stay calm as a birthday party approached instead of dreading her daughter’s reaction. She managed to spot her daughter literally going pale twenty minutes before they were due to leave, and was able to pause the proceedings. By sitting her down and asking questions, being calm, gentle and connecting sensitively, she found out that her daughter was experiencing tingling in her legs and thumping in her chest. She was able to make her daughter feel a lot safer by being present with her until the sensations had passed, and later on shared what sensations she herself would feel when she got anxious. Her daughter had a lot of detailed questions! She didn’t make it to that party, but she wasn’t sick. Instead, they stayed at home for a quiet afternoon – a wise choice on that occasion to help her child integrate rather than pushing her immediately. She went to the next party and was able to enjoy part of it before getting overwhelmed. Fast forward to a year later and her daughter is back at ballet classes and her phsyical co-ordination has improved beyond the teacher’s expectations. This often happens when children integrate an unresolved sensory disturbance… 

What are shyness or anxiety issues really about?

When a child is shy, anxious or reluctant these are usually symptoms of something deeper going on. This is not really such a revelation – probably most people would assume this to be the case. The question for parents is how do you resolve the symptoms if you don’t know what the issue is? The answer often lies in looking wider than the behaviour. Sometimes there is a family history of anxiety that is being passed on. Other times the root of the answer lies in a lack of sense of physical and emotional safety for the child – simply put, feeling unsafe. In Highly Sensitive Children this is sometimes at an emotional overwhelm level where they shut down and pull back to protect themselves, and more often simply at the level of unfamiliar sensation in the body. Without going into too much detail, traumatic events like birth, early infancy, breastfeeding, and even events in the womb can leave unresolved experiences that affect small children’s ability to develop higher capabilites. The area of the brain that deals with survival and fear develops before the part that thinks, processes thought and speech, and social relations (the pre-frontal cortex). I’m not a brain expert, I’m more of a super-detailed behavioural observer. And yet I can tell immediately when a child won’t be able to respond to requests to use their words or to calm themselves down. Children develop this ability at different ages from about 3-4 onwards, and some much later if they have sensory issues. If a child is having an experience at a sensory level that is life-threatening, then they won’t be able to think about it and even less communicate it in words. What will really help them is for you to perceive what is happening and be with them at the sensory level to help them readjust their sense of the surroundings from dangerous to safe.

What I learnt from taming that scared wild animal

The best way I can explain this in simple terms is dealing with a wild cat or any hurt animal. Most people know that you can’t go straight over to a wild or injured animal with an outstretched hand. First, you have to stop dead still and notice. You might calm your own nervous system and just look, but not in a too direct or threatening way. You establish a sense of being there without expectation, like companionship. You wait, you receive. You see the animal breathe and soften, or you feel its system decrease at least one level in alert. It may blink at you – you blink back. Only then can you take a very slow step, make a subtle movement and wait for adjustment. You may offer food but it will take a long time usually for the animal to creep out, and maybe not until you leave. However, over time, if you are consistent and very aware, you will build up a relationship. This is how you can tame totally wild animals that have never been in contact – and it works for calming totally traumatised people, and helping them to feel safe and trusting. The body needs to feel safe by connecting with another safe body – even without touch – that perceives them accurately but allows them to be as they are.

How to apply this to improve your relationship with your child

You can develop your relationship with your own child in exactly the same way – and I’m not joking here.  If it works with an animal that can’t process thought, it will work with your child and their instinctive self. If you have a highly sensitive child with behaviours you can’t resolve, then they may well need this kind of careful attentive approach. Of course you need to put aside your offence at their being that scared – often its hard to say what has caused your child’s issues, and its unlikely to be through any conscious fault of your own.

Only an extremely traumatised child or adult would need the level I describe for a wild animal. And yet I routinely work in this way with all new clients who exhibit body tension or fear, as it resolves all underlying developmental issues quickly and they can make huge strides through old patterns of behaviour to new, much safer and better-feeling states of functioning and relationship. I worked with one infant from about a year old for several years who was later diagnosed with a genetic disorder. I mainly worked with her sense of safety in the body, and was able to regulate her digestion and get her to poo when constipated just by gently touching the top of her head, as I got to know how her scared sensory system responded to the right touch. As practitioners, we know immediately that a body is tense if the digestion has stopped and there is constipation. It’s also incredibly easy to release and regulate. But her system was always very scared – and I explained this to her mother, who listened and adapated. The amazing thing about this girl was really her mother’s dedication to the relationship. Her mother’s attention and persistence allowed the child to develop her own signing system by age three not only to communicate needs but to have very warm and humorous interactions with people she cared about. She still couldn’t speak and yet went to school, and had an active social life. All against the predictions of medical experts who didn’t ever think she would get that far. By age 4 she was swimming unassisted and beginning to make sounds. I feel that the early work we did with her nervous system via observation and craniosacral touch will have set the foundation for her success, and continues to support her development, along with her mother’s instinctive support and understanding. I realise that few parents have time to function at this level of detail or calm in daily life. And yet you may be motivated if you have been having long-standing difficulties with your child. All it takes is 20 minutes a day or so. And over time you are likely to see dramatic improvements.

Just slow down and tune in

When you slow down and attune your relationship with your child, by not pushing them in these sorts of holding-back situations, you create a space for healing to occur. Staying very present in your own body and sensation, and emotionally and verbally connected with them when they are frightened creates increased safety. This safety allows things to happen on their own that would otherwise be too scary. Having an emotion or sensation is possible when your parent is really with you and it may be impossible or overwhelming if you are alone or disconnected. The child may spontaneously make a step towards development when they are allowed a safe space. You don’t need to know exactly what emotion or sensation your child is experiencing or why for it to move through and resolve. You just need to be present with them. They don’t need to know either. Breathing and allowing are very powerful and things can resolve in moments and minutes, and undramatically. As your child starts to recognise the things that scare them being triggered they will learn to reach out to you for help. “Mum I’m having that feeling”, for example. “Which one?” may be a helpful response. “The one where I get scared and don’t know what to do”, may be the reply. This is a queue for you to step into a calm presence and be there with them. A brief time-out may be necessary before plans can resume.

Small steps create big changes

If I were working directly with a child I would work exactly in this way. It’s also the same way that I work with mothers when they show up for their session panicked or disconnected. I have done the same with scared and wounded animals since childhood to get them to trust me. We relate. We look at one another without moving, we feel each other. We breathe, sense, and get back into the body, allowing sensations. When you support your child in this way as their parent you are simply making some adjustments so that the child can feel safe in small steps. You are noticing how they are, the difficulty they are experiencing, and slowing things down so that both you and they can accept what is being experienced, together. Instead of the experience creating fear and overwhelm, your joint acceptance creates a space for it to exist and integrate. What seems huge shrinks and melts away. When you practise these small steps consistently every time your child freaks out, you create deep trust with your child. They learn cumulatively that they can count on you when they run into difficulty, that they can speak up or reach out their hand when they are scared, and that you will be there with them. You will sense them, speak with them, listen, and maybe hold, cuddle or touch them as they need until they can calm down and readjust. This is an attuned relationship at its best, and if you are patient, it will resolve the majority of your child’s issues over time. It also allows the opportunity for really detailed communication, and for teaching your child about their inner world of sensation and emotion. This can set you up for good two-way understanding as your child grows up and their needs change and develop. It’s like a problem- preventative and future problem-solver all in one.

Isn’t all that the therapist’s job?

Well it really depends on if you are invested in having an excellent relationship with your child. I was talking to a parent this week about how much her son’s anxiety has reduced. She reminded me of a time when she wanted to take him to a therapist, and I gently nudged her into doing her own work instead. She carried on doing the work of taking him aside when disturbed, allowing downtime, letting him feel, helping him feel safe and verbalise, and refocusing her own anxiety on other things.  She went through her own process to be able to come off her long-term anxiety medication. She really began to live as her authentic self with all her feelings intact. She commented how absurd it would seem to her now to take her son for help rather than working on her relationship with herslef and him and his sense of physical and emotional safety. That was such a profound moment where she verbalised her own experience of building a consistent empathetic bond with him where he knew she understood and was available to be with him. Results like this can be really life-changing in the depth that they touch parents and children.  And the process is simple and within many parents’ reach. Why does our culture encourage us to hand this over to a therapist I wonder? I don’t consider this the therapist’s job, I feel it is the parent’s role – in fact because of the deep bond and level of trust that the child has with the caretakers they live with, that person has way more power to shift the relationship fast. The child is primed to notice and respond to mini-shifts in emotion, mood and attitude for their own survival in a way that they are not with a therapist. The therapist needs way more skill and depth of feeling to connect with the child and it takes time to build up the kind of relationship necessary. Of course it’s possible  – however, in the long-term, I feel it’s beneficial for the parent to have these relational and problem-solving skills themselves if at all possible. Not least because their state constantly broadcasts a nervous system model to the child that they can’t help but imitate.

In the words of the same dedicated mother last week: “we took our son to a baseball match last week. In the past he needed noise-cancelling headphones and he would have been anxious and overwhelmed. But he has got so much better at trying out new things – his anxiety level is right down and he even went out on the pitch with the other kids without thinking about it. I’m so grateful for the work I’ve done with you – I can see the result in my child first-hand”.

Conclusion

I have tried to give a sense of how anxiety and reluctance to participate in new events may relate to an HS child feeling afraid at a sensory and scared for their survival. I have shown this by anecdotal evidence of my own experience of working with parents to show them how to resolve their children’s difficulties. In my view, it seems logical that when a child has these sorts of issues, the first avenue for help would be supporting the parent in refining and improving their relationship with themselves and with the child, rather than sending the child for external support. Since a child will usually return to their family after any kind of intervention, it is their parents who will most influence their nervous system and sense of safety. So working on helping parents be calm, creating an accepting non-judgemental environment, and slowing things down would seem more effective. That way they can accompany their child in their everyday activities after school and so on, and resolve any recurring blocks that cause emotional issues or disturbances. I have also suggested that building this kind of relationship is a useful investment for preventing later problems and resolving other issues as the child grows up. Ultimately it also empowers the parents to know how to solve their own problems by trial and error and to trust their child’s instinctive behaviours and learn from them. Behaviours that appear problematic can provide rich learning opportunities that improve family relationships and create deep trust and connection for life.

All rights reserved. Mira Watson, July 31st 2023

Please feel free to share this article, but please give credit to the author. Thank you

Parenting Styles for Highly Sensitive Children – what may work and what definitely doesn’t – and how to find the right mix for you

by Leave a Comment

Parenting Styles

Introduction

So far there is no definitive parenting style for highly sensitive children. There are several well-known styles of parenting that are used as reference points by many parents – authoritative parenting, authoritarian, permissive, attachment, neglectful, supportive, etc. You may have heard of these, and have decided to practice some or a mixture. Each has its particular set of characteristics, and some overlap. Many are a combination of the degree of limits or boundaries, demands, expectations, love, connection, support, understanding, tolerance, permission, or guidance.

People have strong views about what is right, and many people’s views are based on what they themselves experienced in childhood. However, they often blindly repeat what they experienced thinking this is the way to parents. Or they boldly do the opposite never wanting to subject their child to what they went through. Arguably neither response is ideal unless they had amazing parents and are totally well-balanced happy individuals!

The complexities of a highly sensitive child shift the whole issue of parenting completely when you take into account what a highly sensitive child needs, how they function, and what they can’t tolerate. It can’t only be a decision about how the parents want to do it and what suits them – it also needs to be about what will support the child. Highly sensitive children will be very difficult to handle unless they get the appropriate treatment – as you will undoubtedly have realised! Many of these parenting styles simply won’t work for reasons specific to the child’s nervous system.

When parents have a highly sensitive child they often don’t know much of this information at the beginning, so it can be a very steep learning curve. They can feel alone, unsupported, and isolated when things that work for other parents simply fail. I’m attempting to simplify the broad strokes here to save you time and help you orient yourself to the task at hand.

The authoritative approach versus supportive parenting styles

These are two seemingly alternate poles of a spectrum – or are they? This is the question we will be investigating here.

“I think my wife is being too soft on the kids and she needs to toughen up” is an exemplary statement of the tension between the poles. This is a comment I hear so often (and also the other way around) – from mothers telling me how they are trying to parent with love and understanding for their highly sensitive child, and their partner just doesn’t seem to get it.

I feel it is worth unpacking what is behind this dynamic as it contains the potential for increased understanding and growth for both partners. It can offer a way of thinking and talking about the differences in approach so that couples can come to an understanding and work together to support and grow their children, rather than wasting vital energy in conflict.

Basic Decisions – What are you actually trying to do as a parent?

This is a good question to ask yourself if you are the guardian of a young partially formed human. Are you trying to teach a set of essential and learned life skills? Or are you trying to support and develop an innate sense of self with unique interests and capabilities – or both? Have you noticed that your child was already quite a particular person since birth and that their preferences, talents, and leanings are only getting more definite over time? Do you feel you want to support and draw them out or do you feel uncomfortable with the way they are?

Are there certain things about your child you find totally unacceptable? Do you feel you need to correct them or stamp them out? How do you think this will work for you in terms of your relationship with the child and their trust? What is more important to you – having the child’s earnt trust and continued respect or your child behaving in certain correct and appropriate ways in all situations, and “doing well”?

Parenting through Fear versus Connection – different parenting styles but please make it a conscious choice

There is a fundamental distinction between parenting through fear (i.e. using anger and coercion) vs parenting through love and connection. The key question to ask yourself here is which form did you mostly experience yourself, and how did it feel? To explore this, maybe ask yourself if you felt emotionally safe with your parents. Did you feel heard, loved, and supported? Were you taught how to identify and name your own emotions at all? Did you feel safe enough to tell your parents how you felt, or what you wanted or needed? When you reflect on your experience and the residues it left, how would you like your child primarily to feel about you? If you answer inwardly that you would like them to trust you without a doubt, then you need to really take the next paragraph on board.

If you list and consider the people in your life who you really like, they will probably all have a common denominator – whether you realise it or not. They had warmth. You felt that they liked you. This feeling that some people transmit can actually be broken down into a number of components that you can learn and do actively. The basics include listening, accepting, and feeling another through the heart.

Empathy or a willingness to understand the other – which may include asking questions to elicit more information – is part of the second layer. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything, but it does mean listening properly so the other feels heard and accepted. Humour can often be part of the connection that creates a sense of common knowledge or aim. And lastly, a supportive function, where the person remembers where you are up to in your learning or activity, senses what you need next, and generally guides you in that direction without you even realising.

These are practical qualities that comprise active love. I don’t feel that they are gender specific. They can be practiced by either gender or any age. So, whether you are a father or a mother you have the opportunity to work on creating a connection with your children, and also with your partner, one that feels warm, that generates trust, and over time creates safety for expression and security.

Trust
Trust between father and son

A common experience of the shift to more conscious parenting – First steps – Acceptance

The connected, love and trust-based way of parenting that puts making the child feel accepted and safe at the center belongs more to supportive parenting models and attachment parenting, although it also plays a role in authoritative parenting. I will suggest later it is possible to create love and connection, and still set clear limits that come from an embodied place that parents can understand…

Usually when a mother has been working with me for a few sessions she has begun to get a good grasp of the total acceptance and the highly sensitive approach that her highly sensitive child needs just to complete very simple tasks adequately. I’m referring to having breakfast, getting dressed, and going to school. These can be major achievements.

By this time the mother has usually been through a process of understanding her child’s need to feel and talk about every one of their experiences in detail, and not to rush or skip anything or her children get overwhelmed and disconnect. This often leads to a tantrum or breakdown that is way more time-consuming than being a bit more patient in the first instance. This builds motivation to be patient as a habitual attitude.

So mothers have learned to be patient, accept, encourage, and track and understand their child’s emotional and mental processes in detail. They accompany their child on a feeling level in so many ways, right down to pre-empting a drop in blood sugar by providing a snack before it happens – they are really present with them a lot of the time. I have also worked with single fathers who do this very effectively.

Second Steps – The deeper spiritual work of parenting – Support

In order to do this they have to learn to deal with their own frustrations – which often arise from realising that parts of themselves never got the kind of caring attention they are now giving to their child. And that really hurts. So there is a grieving process that goes on side by side with learning to parent the sensitive child. It’s one of discovery and learning that can be extremely healing and affirming to a sensitive parent who was never fully acknowledged for their internal experiences. And yet it can be very painful. When pain comes up the instinct to lash out in anger can be strong.

And at the beginning mothers learn to experience this anger directly as a sensation and not to confuse it with anything to do with their child. This requires support which they often seek in weekly one on one sessions with me. They learn to regulate their own emotions once triggered – that is to bring them back within a manageable range where they can function and respond.

Once this process has progressed a while and the mother becomes more integrated, she usually learns to put aside her anger and stay calm, to deal with the anger or trigger in a separate space in her own time alone. Crucial for parenting a highly sensitive child – she learns how to separate her own reactions when an emotion is triggered from her responses to the child – by using her own inner body sensation as a child. So then she is able to focus more directly on what is actually going on with her children and accompany them in their struggles and explorations so that they don’t feel alone, overwhelmed, or generally anxious. This makes for a much smoother and less tantrum/drama–filled parenting experience with fewer ups and downs.

The other pole – Authority and Structure

Fathers often don’t capture the intricate and delicate work that is going on at home during the day because they don’t witness it. This is just the result of a division of labour, not a value judgment or criticism. I’m going to generalise here for the sake of being concise, but I don’t mean to offend anyone or stereotype. We’re just trying to get to some deeper dynamics and understand.

The working father who comes home for dinner often hasn’t witnessed the dozen minor struggles and major wins the mother or child has had throughout a normal day. From negotiating breakfast to getting dressed to even getting in the car, to getting a crying child to go through the school gate, etc. Then there are the explosive meltdowns on returning home, the fights over screen time and inevitably someone who wanted something totally different for dinner than what is available.

In addition, the father may be exhausted, preoccupied by practical or financial worries, and sometimes also upset that he misses so much of their children’s actual day-to-day growing up. The archetypal nature of masculinity is to be the guiding force, the intuitive vision, heartfelt protection, material provision and so on, and also to hold an overview. He has the bigger picture in his mind, whilst the woman deals with more of the home details. It can be really hard to switch levels or modes constantly, even when you want to.

This is an archetype, not a stereotype, and with this archetype (which also lives within women, but is not their primary domain) comes structure, expectation, and achievement. Expecting and demanding that their children be able to function according to society’s rules, standards and goals is normal and healthy for fathers. It is also part of the premise of authoritative parenting, where children are gently guided towards clearly defined standards, expectations, and behavioural demands for their own benefit.

Often this is what the father is in part expressing when he explodes because a child can’t or won’t perform a certain task when required. He knows instinctively that the child needs to learn to do certain things in a certain way just like other people. His anger is triggered by frustration and a lack of understanding of why their child cannot do this. I’m realising as I write this, that mothers and women can and do express this pole equally as hopes for how their child will develop and who they will be – only since mothers usually approach me for help first, their partners often appear more authoritative by contrast.  I’d like to suggest that their authoritative instinct is valid, but their way of going about expressing this is often counterproductive.

What Dumping Anger Does to a Highly Sensitive Child

A small highly sensitive child can’t understand a word you are saying when you shout at them. All they hear is noise. And what they feel is something like their energy field being shattered or hit. Shouting and anger feel like a full-on attack. What they take away from it is that they are wrong or bad. Not that their behaviour was lacking.

As a highly sensitive adult, I can confirm that this is the case, and even more so for a child. Being shouted at can feel like physical blows and is traumatic. And that definitely destroys rather than builds trust, and is physically shocking. I don’t think that any parent deliberately sets out to achieve this. However, this is what results when you lose it in the heat of the moment and dump your anger on your child. If you previously thought that when your child misbehaves or is naughty you are perfectly entitled to yell at them, you might want to reconsider.

If you have already realised that your anger is nearly always counterproductive, then the next step is logically to look at your own frustration in order to turn the energy into something more constructive for your child. There may be two things lurking inside it that you can start to disentangle. One is annoyance and frustration with yourself that you don’t know how to get through to the child to make them understand. They seem unfathomable and very emotionally whimsical to you. (That’s where the wanting them to toughen up comes in).

Yet what you are in fact maybe looking for is a way to connect and understand. It hurts that you don’t know how. And the other is the pain that arises when you realise that you didn’t receive this kind of gentle acceptance and support for yourself when you were little. And part of you would really have liked it! This tends to bring up a strong resistance to giving it to your child – however, if your child is highly sensitive you won’t get far without making these changes. And when you do you will be so relieved! So it is worth persisting and delving into the unknown.

How to stop shouting and start communicating

A very simple analogy may help you to start to look at things differently. When your car won’t go, does it work to kick your car in the door and swear? No. Most men would patiently get out, open the bonnet and have a good look around. What is it that appears to be smoking, disconnected, or lacking? They would run a series of basic systematic tests, establish what the problem is and then resolve it. This is an example of the same frustration put to useful creative, productive use. A child is not a mechanical machine, but really the approach isn’t so different. It just requires getting to grips with a different set of components – the emotions.

When your child is blowing up or refusing to do something and you get angry, it’s a good idea to stop yourself from reacting. This can take time to master – however you can choose to sense your own frustration, own it as yours, and if it’s already raging out of control, take yourself away until you calm down. If you possibly can, you catch it early, get out of your adult car as it were, and change mode into problem-solving.

Only first of all, you have to get yourself very calm, centered, and caring. That’s when you open the bonnet and have a curious look around. Drop your defenses and have a look at your child – what is going on here? Ask yourself why your child is upset. There can be a dozen emotions and unmet needs behind an angry outburst. First of all, you can assume that they are not doing it deliberately to annoy you – this is mostly unlikely. Can you feel what is really going on here? Are they sad? Scared? Tired? Hungry? Did something happen at school? If you have a hunch, check it out by asking the child if they are X because of Z… They will mostly answer, and if you get a No, just try again. Offering a hug may work.

Your willingness to relate, to talk, and to find out what the matter is will create the connection that is the foundation of everything else you ever want your child to learn or achieve. It is SO important! And you may get a dozen opportunities every single day to create this. It can be fun to think of it lightheartedly as doing detective work. Negotiating a solution through asking questions, listening, offering comfort, action, and resolution is the way. There are no rules – this is something the two of you work out in the relationship. The key is dropping aggression and blame, and taking up willingness and gentleness.

Balancing Connection with Authority

How to Balance Support and Connection with Authority and Structure

A common source of disagreement for parents is when one parent is discovering that her child’s feelings and needs are very deep and can’t be ignored, and the other is not. Once they realise that when they accept and help the child navigate their inner world, they develop happily and in an organic way where they stay connected with themselves, and a light goes on. They see fewer dramas and fights, and a more confident functional child.

Sometimes it is hard to explain these subtleties to the other partner. Their way of feeling and connecting with the child may feel very soft or permissive to the other partner, who thinks the child needs to toughen up to live in the real world. So often I hear frustrated fathers talking about their children just needing to be able to get on with certain things, or just do it, when the mother is holding back, sensing that the child doesn’t want to or isn’t ready. The fathers are not wrong, only the way to get the desired outcome might require quite a lot of what the mother is already doing, as we have discussed above.

I feel that both perspectives are valuable. The mother is onto something in the sense that children take time to develop – and given support and space they will often try and master activities and situations that they initially refuse to engage. They expand and develop as their sense of trust grows, and the mother holds space for the child to venture out and come back to safety.

The father’s perspective also contains a valuable standard or expectation that the child be able to do something simple and straightforward that is asked of them without drama. In the workplace men need to perform a lot of different tasks without emotional resistance daily just to get by and earn a living. So the father’s role may be to nudge the child out into the world a little past their comfort zone. Yet this nudging doesn’t need to be done forcefully. It’s all in the tone of voice and language. Not surprisingly, many animals in nature demonstrate the balance between the two well as they educate their offspring… 

Balancing Connection with Authority

So now we are back at the authoritative pole, the vision and the leadership or guidance which I also feel is crucial for highly sensitive children, and even more so maybe than a more average child. Highly sensitive children can appear to be repeatedly very shy and hold back. Some parents fall into the trap of overprotection, and this denies the child the chance to conquer their own fears and grow. However, when you know them well you can also gage the moment to push them a little out of their comfort zone, and then they can really surprise you and themselves by how much they grow and progress without tears. How do you balance the support and the nudge forwards? I feel that the art of truly exceptional and excellent parenting lies in an exploration of this question. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.

Whether each parent takes one role – one does the connecting and the other holds the vision of milestones, expectations, etc. Or both parents connect and set limits, the real skill is in knowing when to be gentle, connect, and empathise, and when to stand firm, ask for more from them and not take tantrums as an answer. This is where having two parents not just one person gives a wider perspective of the child that to some extent can counter personal blind spots and imbalances.

If the child is having a particularly emotional or tired day then some lenience will be needed in the usual limits. However too much, and the child may spiral out of control and learn to use this as a tactic. Similarly, on a day when the child is obviously creating drama just for the sake of it, you make need to stick to clearer standards or boundaries without engaging and ignore the ensuing drama. So how do you know when to do what?

Embodied Parenting – the Ugraded Parenting Principle

The only way that I personally know for making these tough calls is to use the bodily sense of what is required. I find that my body responds with frustration when a child or partner crosses a line. The parents I work with who have learned to put their own reactions aside and use their embodied parenting skills have also reported that they get clear indications from their sensations when to concede and when to stand firm. Their awareness even gives them new strategies and creative solutions in situations where they have previously been stuck.

So learning to make use of the body in parenting is an absolutely invaluable tool that can keep you sane and anchored in a seemingly endless world of upsets and demands where drama is the king! It’s also far more useful than rigid rules because no two children or parents are alike, and using embodied responses works for unexpected and unfamiliar situations too without having to consult a manual! It provides appropriate and clear limits on tap once you get used to the way it works. And most importantly because the limits are authentic and connected rather than abstract and head-based, highly sensitive children will easily accept and respond to them. If you are interested in learning more about these principles, then please send me a message and I will be happy to provide more information.

The Additional benefits of connective parenting with the added element of embodied wisdom – and why it is so crucial for HS Children

There are certain very crucial advantages for the child’s development to you learning to connect and empathise. Mothers – or the mainly connecting parent – will often realise this early on. They will see the gradual growth and learning in the child. This may include periodic willingness to try new things, and also certain withdrawals from things already mastered if the child is having an off day, or there is another unknown factor. Having learned to trust the child and their responses, the mother may be more able to be flexible in her expectations. What this does is give the child space to learn to trust and stay true to their own instincts and feelings, even when they cannot necessarily say why.

Well, so what? You may wonder – as many fathers do before they get it fully. The crucial point here is that highly sensitive children are all about their emotions and their inner world. So if you push or force them to go against their own bodily and gut instinct to meet your demands you necessarily make them disconnect from themselves. Then the very emotions which could guide their experience toward meeting their own needs are denied or thrown into confusion. Their whole inner navigation system – which I call the Inner Compass – disconnects.

Instead of trusting that hesitancy or doubt means, no, wait, and that joy and energy mean yes – go, they spin around in circles in their heads, and either look confused, cling, cry, or meltdown. Nobody likes or tolerates a clingy, insecure, seemingly wimpy child who won’t try anything or have fun. However, that is what you get when you inadvertently sabotage their confidence by getting angry!

Children need to develop their sense of security and emotional connection in a safe way at an appropriate pace for them. It can take years for a highly sensitive child to develop this trust and security, but when they get it they are phenomenal and fascinating individuals. Many people don’t know about high sensitivity so they can’t even guess what is going on. But once you have observed how this works for yourself with your child you can’t really go back.

This is the only way that really works.  Anything else seems to lead to malfunction on all levels – because if the emotions and sense of confidence are out of whack, usually sleep and eating is affected too, along with learning and physical growth. So, having their emotional needs met is arguably a close second for highly sensitive children to physical needs, if you want to avoid years of pain and expensive therapy later on.

How to agree on a parenting style for an HS Child

If you’ve read this article and know that your way isn’t working with your child, you are probably realising that the high sensitivity has something to do with it. You can read the blog on the basics of what highly sensitive children need to function here if you want a better understanding. If you are a non-sensitive parent who thinks the child should toughen up, then you have a few more options now that might help you and your partner parent with more support for each other. You could, for example, observe your partner in action and see how it works. Does it work? Do the children respond better to the connective supportive approach? Your own observation cannot deceive you, even if you don’t accept or believe what I have written. Maybe go and try it out for yourself…

If you feel that you will never understand what your child needs and what they are going through – and you are right, you may not, then maybe leave that part of things to your partner who does get it. And trust that they know what they are doing…

There is nothing wrong with a division of roles or labour, and not everybody has to be the same. Whether you have similar or very different parenting styles, what you want to avoid are conflicting messages and impulses because they confuse the child. There is nothing wrong with your having high expectations for your child as long as you don’t get angry when they haven’t met them yet. Holding a vision can be extremely supportive because everyone thrives on being believed in. The fact that you may not be able to fill in the gaps doesn’t matter if someone else can help your child take the learning steps they need to get there.

Apologising is crucial for trust and connection

Your partner and your child need to feel your basic respect in order to trust you – which includes not raging at them. If and when someone in the family explodes – and we all lose it sometimes – then apologising as soon as you can is a good idea. The longer you leave things generally the harder they are to put right. When you’ve calmed down, try to make it your priority to apologise for the anger because highly sensitive people experience it as devastating – but are also quick to forgive if you own your mistake fully and they can feel you are sincere.

Conclusion

Whatever your own starting point when you began reading this, hopefully, you have found one or more aspects of the parenting challenges that you can relate to. My aim here is to increase understanding of parenting highly sensitive children, stimulate creative solutions and experimentation, and give you and your partner a shared vocabulary to be able to discuss difficulties you are facing in agreeing on a coherent parenting style. What I have written here is not a definitive truth, but rather extractions from my own observations of what can work.

If you relate to explosive angry reactions and know that you have unresolved pain, then you could contact me or another practitioner to work through and clear these issues and be more available for your child. There is no shame in realising that there are things you don’t know either about yourself or your child and exploring answers.

Children are often here to show their parents both their unconscious emotions and habits and to reflect back on their unique qualities and strengths. If you are struggling with this but know it’s true, then maybe consider doing some embodiment work to learn to sense yourself more as a way of relating with your child.

The more you do the work of learning to connect and relate the more you will also grow and learn. It can be a wonderful experience if you don’t expect yourself to be perfect at the beginning and allow yourself to make mistakes. Your children will forgive you a thousand times as long as you keep connecting with them and building trust. And when you grow your understanding of what makes them tick you will also increase your motivation to connect with them on more and more sensitive levels, which will light them up! Enjoy the process – there is no manual so you can’t get it wrong. And whenever you connect more there will be immediately tangible changes.

© Mira Watson. Please feel free to share the text but always give due credit to the author.

How to Build a Family Environment that supports Highly Sensitive Children (and parents!)

by Leave a Comment

Introduction

Family dynamics can be the foundation of growth and expansion or a toxic swamp to be survived, and many things in between. For Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs) there are a number of crucial factors which can make or break their later happiness and ability to function in life. One of these is whether their parents know anything about their sensitive nervous systems and can figure out how to adapt their family and relational environment to make life easier for the HSC. This article looks at aspects of this in detail for those who are getting started on this worthwhile journey but feel a little lost or overwhelmed. 

Why do parents seek help?

Parents generally bring their children to me (or nowadays contact me for an online session) they see that in some way they are struggling or not happy. They care about them deeply but don’t know what more they can do.  What I offer is a different perspective based on long experience of working with highly sensitive children, and studying and documenting parental interactions, and training in family systems. What looks like an issue with the child often is in fact very little to do with the child. The good news is that you as parents become aware of the dynamic that is causing the behaviour (or lack of it) your child automatically improves.

The solution lies with the parents

What many parents don’t realize is that when their children have problems or disturbances, these are more often than not a result of their relationships with their primary caretakers. Children are relational beings – their sense of self develops via their primary caretakers. But the relationship also affects physical health – stomach aches, headaches, digestion, eczema, anxiety, colds etc. can be influenced by the family environment. This is more pronounced if children are highly sensitive but is true for all children. They are also influenced directly by their parent’s habitual behaviour and emotions.

Family Dynamics

When you honestly list the things that annoy you about your child it would be wise to take a good look at yourself and identify in what ways you are similar. A bit of self-acceptance can go a long way to creating more tolerance for your child… That children reflect or mimic their parents’ behaviour is not just a phrase, it is actually true. Their brains and nervous systems copy and model themselves on what their adults do. This can include the most obvious aspects like imitating words and gestures, down to more subtle things like particular gaits when walking, sleep habits and mental states. 

Our Western Culture views children as the problem

And yet parents don’t know where to look for solutions on the whole other than at their children, partly because the cultural focus is on medicating and controlling “badly behaved” children. It is also partly because the adult’s connection to their deeper sense of self has become very dilute in western society. The tendency is to seek external help and pay an expert to sort out family dynamics rather than reflect internally to work out the solution.

Sadly there are no ideal solutions that an expert can give because no two families are alike, nor are any two individuals. There are some general principles, but the details will always vary depending on the particular child, parents and circumstances. The answer will always arise out of the relationship between the individual parent and the particular child.

How parents can shift the family dynamics  to find solutions

The solution is a result of the parent’s personality and authentic response, and the particular child’s character and needs. Mira

The key to solving the children’s problems, ironically, lies usually not in the child, but in the parent finding their own centre, and coming into a deeper feeling connection with themselves. This is where doing awareness sessions can have profound effects in supporting the parent’s process of becoming more aware of body sensations and emotions. When a parent becomes more grounded and embodied through online sessions, they are able to be more present with their child. (Since in-person contact has been limited we now practice the same thing online using somatic experiencing). The days of being lost in their thoughts are over. They are more able to respond with intelligence to the real needs of the child.

If you´re not convinced, maybe consider the following. A parent who can’t really feel themselves or doesn’t know how to manage their own undulating emotional states, would probably not be in a position to notice the effect they have on their child. It is a simple fact that a parent who is unable to handle their own emotions will not be able to provide a satisfactory environment in which the child’s brain and nervous system can develop fully.

A child that has no words or means to express what they sense they are lacking but can’t get, will of course feel hurt, frustrated and start acting out. The child has a tantrum. Is something wrong with the child? Yes, s/he is not getting what they need from their environment, but the source of the problem is the parents. 

Finding solutions to problems with HSCs…

For Highly Sensitive Children, parental awareness or lack of it has an even more heightened effect on their state. The HS child’s problems are often “relational” ie. the child is directly influenced by the unseen emotional energies and responses emanating from the parent. If they are being overwhelmed by the parent’s unfelt rage, or suffocated by their grief, or affected by a mother’s constant nerves and hysteria, they won’t be able to do schoolwork or play happily. This is the gross and basic level. On a more subtle level, every unfelt need and emotion in the parent’s field affects the child, who responds to the unspoken and unseen as if it were concrete, even if the parent is unaware of it. This is no-one’s fault, and yet the child is just a fresh and enthusiastic expression of malleable new life and in that sense, whatever behaviour they are exhibiting is a direct reflection of what is going on in their surroundings…

When I work with parents on family dynamics we observe the direct energetic effects that parents have on their children and vice versa. We notice how the child relaxes when the mother leans back in her chair. We look at how the child responds if the mother drops her defensiveness or need to be right.  We see responses to change in voice.  I set exercises to help parents to see what is going on in their interactions, and how they are contributing. I also teach parents to first regulate their own emotions, so that they can support the children in receiving the emotional regulation they really need.

This is very different from responding by using parenting ideas or ideals. These are actual real-life observations of what works. The result is instantly visible in a happier, calmer, more co-operative, trusting and responsive child… which is way more evidence than an “expert’s” opinion that you are doing things right. This is something any parent can learn and find out for themselves with a bit of time and attention.

This makes parenting sound like a lot of effort!!

As you know parenting is exhausting. Whether you make a relatively good job of it or not. So you might as well give this a try. All I am suggesting is that you learn and practise giving your children the quality of attention that they need to thrive and develop. Then they won´t have ¨problems¨. or far fewer. It takes twenty minutes a day of quality present attention.

All human beings have this capacity when they are switched on and aware – we all know instinctively how to respond to another, when to back off and give space, when and where to touch another to comfort, how to generate fun and excitement. These are innate capacities. Craniosacral therapy or Somatic Experiencing can help the family dynamics precisely because it brings us back in touch with our instinctive responses and drives. This helps by-pass the layers of mental conditioning that we learn from birth, and that have some very unhelpful aspects when it comes to parenting…

The challenge to re-establish this balanced in the moment awareness,  and find a way to get around (or put aside) the piles of emotional reactiveness and drama caused by our own painful and traumatic life experiences so that we can really be with the children.

 “Being with” fully and sensitively is mainly what children´s brains, nervous systems, and sense of self require from us as adults in order to develop effectively.

Much more so than adults, HS children can’t cope with overwhelming emotions of rage or terror. When adults express these without really experiencing them themselves or taking responsibility for them they can feel very loud. Children´s energies and boundaries are much more permeable, and their nervous systems simply not as robust or able to absorb shock. A placid seeming baby or small child may in fact be in a state of total shock and nervous system shut down for survival reasons…This is why craniosacral therapy often works especially well for them since it is able to take account of the subtleties of their system and to allow them to rebuild broken boundaries, re-establish nerve pathways and learn to allow their life force fully…

Am I supposed to have no emotions? How can I prevent damaging my child… 

It is up to the adult care-takers to feel these emotions directly so that their toxic side-effects don’t spill over to the children. There are at least two very different experiences for a child: firstly the example of an adult who has rage or grief or terror in their energy field but is not aware of it, and is taking it out on those around them. And secondly, an adult who is really feeling those emotions and in contact with them. The former may smother and terrify a small child and be felt keenly, and experienced as very confusing and overwhelming. The latter is not frightening for a child on the whole, even if they still experience the adult’s emotion, because it is clear that the adult is the one with that emotion, and able to handle it, own it, talk about it and say what is going on. This makes the child less prone to thinking the emotion the adult is having is their fault, and also less frightened that it will be taken out on them. It makes them feel safe.

Taking responsibility for emotions

And the key in this is for the adults taking care of children to be taking responsibility for themselves and for their own actions, reactions and emotional states. That means to be feeling the sensations and emotions in their bodies directly – which is precisely what craniosacral therapy can help you do – rather than blaming them on others or the external environment. That is all the kids need – they don’t need a zen monk who is calm and totally balanced as a parent – they just need someone who is feeling their own stuff and not inflicting it on the space around them, and even then, only most of the time.

Better still they need at least one parent who is centred enough in themselves and aware enough to be able to sense how the child is, and respond to them clearly so that they can learn to get a sense of themselves.

Effects of Online Sessions on the whole family dynamic

In the process of working with a child, and then often with the mother, a gradual emotional and mental separation of the individuals in the family happens. As each one becomes clearer in themselves and more connected with their own emotions, wishes and experience, a space of clarity opens up in the family as a whole and things begin to change. Sometimes explosive energies are released in one or more family members for a week or two as old held back energies surface to be released. But then things stablise once more. Real relationship begins to happen, where individuals can feel themselves, express what they are experiencing, ask for what they need, empathise with the other, and respond genuinely to another’s needs. Often a lot of joy and creativity are also generated in the process.

As one father put it:

“I am so grateful to you for the work you have done with me and my family. I can’t even begin to express. First I learnt to feel my body and to be more in my flow, now the answers to my business issues come to me much more easily, and the most wonderful thing is that the whole family is on board. We are making changes in our lives but we are all doing it together, so its making sense and feels like real fun. No-one is compromising and we’re finding ways to make things work for all of us together. It’s the most amazing experience…”

In that particular family, the father came for sessions first, followed by the mother, and then finally the two children, who made huge progress. These happened to be parents who realized that by far the largest influence you have on your child is by example, not by coercion, which is why they came first, rather than sending their children. They understood rapidly that if your child is exhibiting a certain behaviour, you need to look for and correct it in yourself as the parent. Obviously, such family dynamics take some effort and willingness to uncover, but the effort is so worthwhile. In the words of the same father,

“I just can’t imagine where we would be now as a family without you. In the last year of working with you, we have found a new direction together, and sorted out so much of our chaos. We’re all happier and much closer than before. And we’re working with each other rather than fighting our own positions.”

Doing online sessions can have a huge impact on the family dynamics through the awareness it gives the individuals, and the process of growth which it catalyses. Because it is an embodied rather than thought-centred process, effects are profound and lasting.

The family dynamic is unique to each configuration of individuals and affected by generations beyond the current one. As parents see their own patterns reflected in their developing children they become aware of the way their parents behaved with them and can heal and change old rifts and conflicts within themselves.

The more honest and clear the parents become as they peel off the older layers of their own experience, with the awareness gained in craniosacral sessions, the more secure the children feel as a rule. Children long to connect with adults that they can feel are really there, that are really coming from their centre and whom they can count on to show up, to respond. That way they can get a sense of themselves and develop, which is every being’s deepest yearning.

Often one partner develops at a different rate from the other, and during sessions, we gradually learn not to take things personally, and just to look at our own side of the equation, to do our own work, and let the others take care of themselves. (I have written elsewhere about what to do if your partner is not open or sympathetic to understanding High Sensitivity). Life has an amazing way of organising the dynamics of change within a family to provide just the right events at the right times, to fit in with what is going on externally. What looks like a catastrophe can often catalyse deep healing and a shift to a much more positive space for everyone.

The key is always to stay in the open, to stay in the space of not knowing, to be with whatever emotions and impulses are arising and to trust. The process of change can be daunting at first, but as people get used to it, a sense of trust and excitement can develop for whatever will come next. The general movement is always one of allowing authenticity, expanding aliveness and joy and a sense of collective growth and evolution. It is the most wonderful thing to be involved in as a family.

Building Blocks of your child´s health 2: Attuned Attention

by Leave a Comment

We’re living at an interesting time because the cracks in the status quo are starting to show. Issues like ADHD, autism, Asperger’s and environmental toxins are common knowledge. Campaigns are raging pro and against vaccination and all sorts of other issues affecting children are headline news. It doesn’t matter which side of the arguments you decide to support from my perspective, but rather that you reached your conclusion yourself from your own experience and research, rather than believing someone else. I’m just on my way to the USA where I will be observing the children and parents with great interest. The USA has the highest rates of autism, ADHD and childhood disorders on the planet and I’m itching to go and observe what’s going on for myself.

At a time when the media run daily fear-inducing health scares and different business interests promote drugs as safe or preventative that then go on to kill people, parents need to be on their toes and using their common sense to screen some of the more harmful influences out of their children’s lives. Being embodied and noticing how things affect you or your child are essential. You have to be your own health advocate. This begins with food additives like MSG and aspartame, which are both extremely damaging to a growing child’s development. Many of the conditions I have seen in children have been treated solely with diet and supplementation, which says a lot about both the poor quality of nutrition and the resilience of children’s bodies, and their innate healing capacity.

The reason that I feel parents need empowering is because clearly something is not all right as far as healthy child development is concerned, and yet the information being offered by mainstream health professionals is not complete and often doesn’t make sense. Children are totally vulnerable to what their parents – or their school or culture – decide for them, and I’m here to help parents take a stand in their children’s best interests, whatever it its that they personally decide. I’m not sure that there is a right and a wrong per se, and since every child is unique it is very important that each parent make their own assessment since they know their child by far the best. Vaccinate or not? How much and when? Special needs school or extra tuition? Wheat free diet or steroids? There are endless choices when issues arise. How do you decide?

So what are the tools that parents need to make their own assessment of their child and meet their individual needs? I’ve spent decades observing children and getting inside their minds to see things from their perspective. I bring years of anthropological observation of indigenous cultures to what I do. My nervous system is far from in the “normal” range, and the daily challenges I face have given me tools that help me translate children’s experiences for their parents. What I discovered in the process are that there are two very key elements that parents need. One is embodied experience – through using my body and emotions as a sensor or satellite dish a discovered that it is very simple to pick up what is going on for others. This is why I think craniosacral bodywork is such a phenomenal tool for supporting parents in getting in touch with their own abilities to sense their children and know what’s going on. Absolutely anyone can learn this – it’s an innate human ability. If you’re interested in knowing more about this, you can find a variety of information on www.craniohealing.com. The first step to empowering parents to make positive decisions for their children is enabling them to sense the child and their needs for themselves, and to intuit what would support them. I call this looking afresh without judgement. It is extraordinary how simple things can become for the child when parents just take a good look with an open mind.

transformationalparentingpic1
Empathetic attuned relationship

The second skill that empowers parents is learning a more attuned way of relating. Some people call it empathy, others talk about attuned attention. It’s a way of relating to another person where you allow yourself to receive emotional and mental information about them without judging. It also includes learning to really listen without thinking or answering back. The reason it makes all the difference to your child’s development is that they need this in order to develop a sense of themselves and of their innate talents and characteristics. The bonus is that apart from having a healthy child, if you learn to do this you will likely never have to visit a psychologist or mental health professional with your child. You will have an exceptional understanding with your child that will fulfill you totally as a parent. And it’s actually very simple to do. There is more information on empathetic relating and some fascinating case studies of problem solving in families on www.sensingchildren.com.

I believe that parents are the solution and greatest resource for whatever their children need whatever the cause of their children’s issues – yet we live in a global society that increasingly seems to try to tell parents what to do and to control our individual choices. This can be extremely frightening and confusing – but if you just apply these two simple principles of sensing your body and being present, and attuned relating you will be able to rely on your own perceptions to choose your own path with peace of mind and light heart. And as you do so, you will empower other parents to look again and open their minds afresh to observing their own children and meeting their real needs. Just by applying your common sense and using your own perception when relating to your child, you can touch countless other parents and children’s lives by example. A different future begins with you.

Parenting Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times

by Leave a Comment

Parenting Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times

Introduction

Parenting Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times is tough. If you as adults are finding these times a strain, you can assume its probably worse for the highly sensitive children. Many are feeling the whole COIVD19 saga unfolding but unable to rationalise or put words to the experience. The tension children are picking up may play out in many ways. It’s very common for there to be meltdowns over seemingly unrelated minor events. Disturbed sleep, heightened clinginess and anxiety, and physical symptoms like stomach cramps, headaches, asthma, and diarrhea may also occur. In this article we will look at each aspect to find practical solutions to minimise disruption to your child and preserve your sanity. We want you as the parent to be able to cope whilst you maximise your child’s resilience.

The key factor in COVID19 times is YOU the parent

Probably the most important factor for your child is how you as parents are handling the whole situation. Children’s nervous systems mirror their parent’s in the same way that the bottom guitar string resonates if you pluck the top one. So getting your own fear and stress under control has to be the first priority. This is easier said than done especially if you are a highly sensitive parent – but there are ways. Some basic support mechanisms are:

  • slow your day down, take more breaks
  • make sure you get physical exercise because moving the body releases emotion and prevents traumatisation
  • breathe consciously as much as you can – both in but also out – the outbreath is crucial for releasing fear and anxiety
  • Limit social media and don’t watch the news at all. If you have to, do it with headphones so your child doesn’t pick up the negativity from the TV
  • Limit coffee and drink herbal teas; make sure you eat regular meals so your body doesn’t go into low blood sugar panic mode
  • be aware not to discuss political events or scientific theories in front of your child because they will pick up on the intense emotion of the times immediately and feel out of sorts.
  • The good news is that if you can remain relatively normal in your mood and activities, you create a bubble of protection from world events for your child, at least whilst you are inside your home. This will give them a foundation to rest and recover from whatever else they experience when they go out. This is absolutely essential.

Your own mindset is crucial

I can’t stress enough that whatever your mindset is regarding the virus and the political measures will directly affect your child’s mental and emotional health. So work on keeping the fear out, on keeping yourself centred and positive and being an active creative agent in your own life. Whatever you can do – be it plant vegetables, volunteer to support others, clean, decorate, plan or communicate please do it. The stronger and more resilient you get the easier things will be for your child.

Dealing with the global emotion

The general underlying tension outside of your home that is also affecting many adults will not go unfelt by your children. I’m talking about the global or even country energetic field of which we all form a part. The “alert” state of being hypervigilant that most people initially experienced for a few weeks happens when the parasympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) is aroused and can’t discharge. This is exhausting and many of us spent weeks without proper sleep or digestion.

Highly sensitive adults and children will pick up on this vibe and experience it as a real threat in their environment without being able to see what it is. If your child is old enough (probably 4-5 at least) then explaining the fear and tension that a lot of people are feeling about not being able to work, about changes happening may help your child to locate the fear as outside of themselves and put it aside. Making it separate and tangible can prevent trauma (overload) and settle the system.

The importance of Touch for your HSC

Physical touch – hugging, foot massage, gentle shoulder rubs – whatever normally soothes your child – can be very helpful at regular intervals. Frightened children tend to dissociate and lose touch with their bodies, and so digestion stops, they get stomach cramps and also knock into things and have more accidents.

Common Anxiety Symptoms

If you see your child not eating normally, not sleeping and expressing sysmptoms of anxiety like diarrhea (fear/terror), stomach cramps, broken or disturbed sleep (nightmares) please check your own state first. The most important thing you can do for your child is be calm and grounded yourself. The next step is to find ways to help your child calm down again.Parenting Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times

Relaxation and Emotional Regulation

Most parents generally notice as they go along what helps their children settle and relax. In case you are stuck for ideas, everything that promotes a sense of safety and wellbeing in the body helps. Keep things slow, low key and gentle… A warm bath with lavender oil or Epsom salts, reading stories by the fire, making fairy cakes together…

If your child is in a real state an activity like walking barefoot on the grass together may help. You can suggest that your child imagines a nose on the sole of each foot that is smelling the earth as they take each step. Walk together slowly, maybe holding hands, and as you sense the soles of your feet encourage your child to sense theirs using the nose… They usually love this and it gets them reconnected with their body fast. Be creative – ask if they can smell the daisies, the grass, the earth, the worms, etc. Notice if they are breathing. If not, do some big breaths into your lower belly together whilst standing on the grass.

Symptoms of fear from COVID19 

If your child has persistent stomach cramps, headaches, diarrhea or develops asthma this is not necessarily anything medical to worry about. (Although do see a doctor if you suspect your child is ill). These can all be and are actually common physical manifestations of fear which highly sensitive children are especially prone to. In this case  it might be helpful to see a child craniosacral therapist. They should be able to help relax the connective tissue in the abdomen/neck and stimulate the vagus nerve and sympathetic nervous system. If your child is hypersensitive or aroused most practitioners will be able to work without even touching your child. It’s a last resort but it can save you a lot of stress and worry.

How to deal with Clinginess

Has your child recently stopped being able to play on their own even for short periods, or are they demanding to sleep in your bed again? If you’re despairing that your child seems to have regressed developmentally since this all began your not alone. However please try to understand that this is a normal response. It happens when children are stressed, and it’s unlikely to be permanent. It’s just a sign of distress. Extra clinginess and not wanting to let their preferred adult out of sight would also be expected responses. Why? Because when you are fundamentally scared you want to cling onto whatever security you have at all costs. Your child is asking to feel all of you present with them so that they can feel reassured on a base survival level that someone is there for them. They need your full attention at this point.

It is incredibly challenging to have your child behave like a cling-on when they were previously at least a little independent. But if you push them away you will make things worse. You will leave a very frightened little person totally alone which I know is not what any parent does intentionally. Acceptance and reassurance would be more helpful responses. When you really can’t cope any more see if you can stay physically present but disconnect emotionally. That way you can take some space for yourself. Supplements such as magnesium or melatonin may help your child relax generally and also sleep at night. Sleep is so important for HSCs overall functioning and mood…

And the good news for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times is…

Many highly sensitive children are actually thriving during this time of staying at home. This may make parenting your Highly Sensitive Children in COVID19 times more of a blessing than a curse. Right now they are not having to deal with overwhelm at school and learning things that they don’t want to. Unless theyre being forced into endless school zoom meetings, things may be good! So on the bright side, this can also be a great time for your child to develop a stronger sense of self and to find their own rhythm. Being creative and active creates a sense of power and agency. This minimises the risk of trauma and feelings of powerlessness that are so prevalent right now.

How can you help generate a positive experience for your child? Even setting daily tasks for help around the house like watering plants, clearing lego, making beds can serve this purpose. HS children love nature and caring for living things. You can plant seeds, grow tomatoes and basil for your windowsill, or even start an allotment. Caring for pets (and they don’t have to be your own) and doing errands for old people who need help right now are also activities that hs children can find a lot of calm and purpose in.

Conclusion

This epidemic is providing a pause. This is actually an incredibly fertile time for highly sensitive people of all ages. It allows us to be able to come back to the basics of nature, growing food and tending plants and the living environment. This can be a reset and foundation for all future activity. It also gives a good foundation for living at our own pace, and within one’s own optimal activity/rest/nutrition/social requirements. There is much less pressure from what is considered “normal” or social.  

So whatever problems you encounter in your child right now, try to see them as opportunities for bringing your child right into their own centre of optimal functioning, and also as a strengthening of your relationship with them as a parent. If you have any more specific questions about your child or would like to talk about your own emotional experiences please get in touch. I’d be happy to support you at this time.

© Mira Watson. Please feel free to share the text but always give due credit to the author.

Copyright © 2015 · Mira Watson, Author
Disclaimer & privacy
Book Now
Supporting Highly Sensitivity Worldwide