Introduction

Dealing with teenage suicidal impulses is a really painful topic for anyone and more so for their parent. How much more can we handle? You may be wondering this if you are the parent of a teenager. I wrote a blog just before the war started on how lost teenagers are right now, and how hard they are finding facing adult life after two years of lockdown. We’ve already had postponed school, virtual lessons, exam chaos, Fresher’s weeks online and more. The job market looks bleak for teens and the global mood is not exactly up-lifting. Teenagers are reportedly experiencing record levels of anxiety, insomnia, self-harming and suicidal thoughts which is really hardly surprising.

In my previous article on lost teens I explored ways of connecting with yourself and with your teens in order to help them find a more confident sense of self, and a sense of direction. This article goes deeper into an exploration of the how to deal with your teenager’s hopelessness, self-harming and suicidal impulses. We will look at what these impulses are in more depth, and how to offer an alternate model to the current good/evil dialogue being offered in mainstream media. By examining how we blame, shame and deal with conflict in our own homes we may discover other less destructive ways to be and communicate that will serve teens well going forward. It may be very hard for some parents to read especially if your child is currently deeply unhappy and you are distressed. However, know that you are not alone and that there really needs to be a lot more open conversation around this topic right now so that parents are informed and better equipped to seek help for themselves and their child, rather than to suffer in anguishing silence. And there is a silver lining…

Noble Self-sacrifice is the wrong direction

The world is currently so confused and chaotic that teenage suicidal impulses can and are being confused with acts of altruism and empathy. This is a really serious issue social failing. Recent statements by the likes of Liz Truss in the UK encouraging young people to go and support the fight in Ukraine are arguably very dangerous.  They push vulnerable pandemic-traumatised people (including teenagers) who are feeling hopeless about everything towards volunteering their lives for a supposedly noble cause – global freedom and democracy.

Teens have not yet formed a strong sense of identity and they often feel invincible because of their physical youth. The may really not realise that death is in a sense final. This is not a political piece of writing and not intended to offend political viewpoints. It is focused on emotional health, embodiment and spirituality, plus acute personal observation of real life. I have to ask if you feel that it is ever noble to offer your life for slaughter because you are hopeless about what to do with it? I feel that for teenagers it is akin telling them it’s ok to commit suicide if they can’t figure things out in terms of how to live their life. I simply don’t agree. As adults, we have the resources to offer them more and we must.

It might be wiser to focus on the inherent value of human (and especially child and teenage) life and its potential. And on the value of supporting and preserving life in all forms. Giving teens tools to cope mentally, emotionally, practically and spiritually would seem more constructive than suggesting self-sacrifice, which is what will be discussed in this article.

We are all being brutally faced with the polarities of life and death with this sudden change from peace to a war.  It affects everyone, and more so if you are living in Europe. This piece is about the empowered internal choices we can make given the outer powerlessness. And about the importance of tackling conflict within ourselves in order to model conflict resolution and internal peace for teenagers and children in general right now. Creativity is the opposite of destruction, but archetypally the two are just two sides of the same coin. You can kill or you can create. So those of us who are not currently being shot at or bombed really do have a choice. And a very important one.

The bigger issue at stake here is that of blame and judgement. Blame, dichotomy and the good-evil argument are very seductive because they are so normalised in our modern culture.  But you’ll have to agree that it takes two to have a violent conflict. And only one to exit it for conflict to be impossible. And whilst you may not have so many options to exit when your city is under siege and being shelled, in a family situation there are always options. It’s hard to have an argument entirely on your own and that is the hard fact that really needs to be acknowledge in current times. More on this later.

Why the last two years have been so hard for teenagers generally

What do teens typically do?  They lock themselves in their rooms and game or chat on their mobile for hours to avoid their family. They hang out in dense clusters or groups in seedy and hidden locations for hours, drinking, talking, smoking dope etc. They bond and merge into group identities to feel a sense of belonging. Many take a gap year before university and travel.

How teenagers get a sense of who they are

Teenagers by their very nature have not yet got a good grasp on who they are internally and who they want to be. They are searching and mostly lost – which is age appropriate. It’s a time for experimenting, for trying on roles and discarding those that don’t sit well. It’s also a time for rejecting the status quo (and parental values) in order to make space to find something own and original. Something that seems chosen rather than imposed. It’s a time for saying a blanket NO to everything in order to discover your own YES. This is of course something which many parents take very personally because they don’t understand the process properly.

If we reflect on how teens typically go about this, we can see that many of their methods are currently unavailable due to the pandemic conditions. Travel isn’t really an option in the same way as before at the moment. In fact, many teens have not even been able to hang out with their best friend or gang for months at a time. They have been stuck at home in teen hell. Freedom to move, to get away from the parents has been taken away. It must feel suffocating – if friends are your only lifeline – to have it cut off. And then there are the limits that your parents set on screen-time (hopefully) which are so infuriating. Why aren’t you allowed to connect with your friends whenever you want?

Technology, Celebrity Culture and a strong Material Focus

Over the last twenty years, the rise of celebrity culture and the focus on having things has increased. Mobile phones mean that people are much more easily connected, and yet that keeping your word for meetings and timings no longer seems to matter. Social media mean that instead of relating to real humans you can get a lot of your sense of worth by receiving likes and comments which release addictive chemicals into the bloodstream. But without the hugs that provide the body chemicals for long-term health.

One sixteen-year old recently told me that he knows he is addicted to his mobile phone and that scrolling through it at night for hours on end “fries his brain” and affects his intelligence. He feels bleary eyed and can’t focus for more than five seconds on anything. Yet he doesn’t know what to do. He put his phone away for two days at the weekend and had severe panic attacks that he couldn’t handle. His (very smart) mother is supporting him by cooking with him, playing music and taking him for walks.

He is one of the few children who realises there is a problem and is trying to combat it himself, but he is in a tiny minority. He says his friends aren’t even trying though they know they’re acting like morons. He looks sad as he says it. What is being labelled as ADHD in many teens is in my opinion mobile-phone induced brain atrophy, which can be reversed only when phone use is drastically curtailed. The point here is not to discuss phone addiction in depth but to point to a group of factors that are negatively impacting teen mental health.

The effects of Mobile-phone Addiction

What this means for teen mental health is that individual resources to take care of and monitor happiness, health and just general ok-ness are severely compromised. What was already an externally focused world has become purely external. All reflective activities such as reading books, having debates or deep conversations have been replaced by listening to videos, scrolling opinions on posts and leaving voice messages. Whereas a child might have come home exhausted, eaten a lot of pizza and watched TV for an hour before bed, now there is an endless cycle of scrolling way past natural tiredness sets in, that goes on for weeks. The body’s impulses even for sleep are easily overridden by the latest Netflix series, which is designed to have you compulsively watch the next episode. Do parents even realise how dangerous these technologies are for developing brains?

The art of feeling and sensing

The art of feeling, listening internally and noticing how you actually are right now has been all but lost. Young people are less likely to find active role models in their family and everyday circles than the previous generation. Reflecting and being present, living in tune with your body’s cycles and energy levels are not that common in my observation. The problem with this is that having an inner sense of self and a connection to your inner states is so essential for your own health – physical and mental. AND it is essential to navigate the world when everything externally is in chaos and flux. It can be your centre and your anchor by which to gage and evaluate options for yourself, events, responses and actions.

Integrated adults navigate these events by combining intellectual reflection and evaluation with bodily feelings and gut sense. It’s true also that some only use their brains. Yet teens are still in the process of developing this centre and sense of self, so they are particularly vulnerable to the anxiety and uncertainty that is currently affecting everyone. They haven’t got the inner compass they need to help them navigate. And it can feel like they have no ground beneath their feet. This is normal but right now with the global uncertainty it must feel extremely disconcerting.

Is welcoming death really the answer to not knowing what to do with your life?

Not having the inner compass fully formed is what makes teenagers so vulnerable to cults, extremist ideals and jumping on bandwagons of all sorts. In the recent conflict, it is very hard not to be emotionally moved by stories of young ordinary boys, girls, men and women taking up arms (hammers, saws and whatever they can find) and defending their country. It is only human to respond with empathy and want to help. But thinking it would be an adventure and life experience to travel to Ukraine and risk your life is typically teenage thinking for all the above-mentioned reasons. So, it’s probably very important for parents to have exactly this discussion with their teens if they are making noises about going to fight. Thankfully Liz Truss has been criticised for saying she would back Britons going to Ukraine to join the fight against the Russians so there are also voices that don’t encourage a death wish.

There can be no conflict without two willing participants

One very important principle for every parent to convey to their children is that there can be no war without an enemy. Or that it takes two people to argue. Putin/Russia is being represented in the press and general discourse as the evil enemy. To set up this kind of dualistic us-them rhetoric is archaic and unconscious. Firstly, it’s obvious that Putin doesn’t stand for all Russians, most of which are just living their lives like the rest of us. And secondly, he really just is living or representing impulses that are in all of us but most people refuse to acknowledge. And whilst we turn away from ourselves he gets to run rampant.

It’s a sickeningly basic stance to point the finger of blame and really makes me wonder if people haven’t learnt anything over the previous century. Any aware person can see clearly that these international actors on the global stage are playing out archetypes that can only do what they do when they meet other unaware people. The old make love not war slogan stems from this same realisation. And from the recognition that we can choose whether we destroy or create.

Explaining Conflict Resolution by modelling it

The task of parenting has never been more important to the future of humanity than now. How can you explain this to your children that violence is not the answer? And that intelligent people resolve conflicts using speech and negotiation? Are you violent? Do you model solution-finding or reward and punishment? How many times a day do you blame someone or something for what you are feeling?

Going first is always the best teaching

Probably the best to explain that violence is not the answer is to recognise conflicts in your own family and actively step out of the power struggles. Modelling the principle of non-violence is undoubtedly the best way to teach. I have written about Non-violent Communication principles at length elsewhere. But if you have to explain then the idea of walking away from a fight is very simple. It leaves the other person with nothing to fight. So, there is no fight. It’s the same when you don’t rise to provocation by becoming angry. The other person fails to draw you in. And all it takes is mastering your own anger impulse (by allowing the body sensation fully and feeling it rather than shouting at someone else) and deciding to put your own energy somewhere constructive.

If you have a teen who is expressing a wish to help those in the war you can encourage the emotion of empathy by acknowledging their compassion and desire to help.  And at the same time, you can redirect the impulse into something creative and constructive they could do. If they want to get involved in a charity supporting Ukrainians, or an educational charity teaching non-violence, there are many options. Any kind of volunteering work in multi-racial contexts where they can learn and practice tolerance and acceptance is equally constructive. Anything in this direction is a far stronger personal statement and contribution than the impulse to go and fight physically. Killing another or yourself is never the answer if you have other options.

Teenage Suicidal Impulses

I mention killing yourself because I feel that for the majority of outsiders going to fight in Ukraine right now is basically a suicidal impulse disguised as heroism. I realise that many people will not agree with me here. Yet if you consider the context of two preceding years of pandemic and the huge toll it has taken on teenagers’ mental stability, will to live and hope for a good future for themselves you may glimpse how being a war hero might seem an attractive way out. It would mean not having to face a lot of very difficult things.

If they have any hope or initiative left at this point they are already truly remarkable young people. When teenagers talk about suicide or cut and harm themselves they are trying to find ways to manage their pain, and more than anything they are asking for help. They don’t see a way forwards or a way out of their situation. They are completely lost, overwhelmed and unable to cope. In my therapeutic work, I help parents to process their own feelings of despair and powerlessness when a teenager is in this state. That is always the first step towards helping the teen get back on their feet – the parents emotions need to be felt and acknowledged first so that then they can actively be the adult and parent.

Seeking support as a parent is crucial

If you have a suicidal or self-harming child and are feeling ashamed, out of control or just crippled with anxiety please don’t hesitate to tell a mental health professional and get support. Start with your GP, call the local helplines and ask everyone you know for recommendations. It’s one of the hardest things to handle as a parent, yet right now it is so prevalent. When you do, you will be able to get on with the task of providing lifelines, life-buoys and all sorts of basic building blocks that can allow a teen to get the basic sense of inner self that they need to start functioning and find the way to live.

Finding the will to live

If you’re not a therapist yourself or in the field of health then what I am writing here will be quite an intense crash-course in mental health. To simplify things, it’s important to understand that the human body is self-healing and doesn’t in itself ever want to not live. It’s the person’s emotions and mind which bring about this state. It’s only when the mind and emotions split off from the body and become circular or self-referential that there can be such a disconnect that someone would experience not wanting to live. The problem is that a teen may actually believe that their emotions are reality, because they have not yet learnt that emotions are always changing from one moment to the next, and thoughts are pretty much random and to be taken notice of!  As adults, we know these things and have more resources. So, a teen may feel despair and extrapolate it to their whole future, which reinforces the negative thoughts that go with it and so on. Until they are so disconnected they can’t find a way back.

Strategies that support life

The basic first aid strategies for any teen, and especially a highly sensitive teen rely on good diet, sleep, exercise, emotional regulation and simple practical tasks you can set them to complete, plus contact with other people. Asking your depressed teen to walk the dog for twenty minutes in the morning, or to do some fairly easy but quite enjoyable daily tasks can help bring structure and routine back into their lives. Any changes you try to make need to be gradual and incremental – an un-resourced depressed teen won’t be able to handle abrupt change.

Overcoming teenage suicidal impulses is closely related to feeling and finding a sense of self

Finding the will to live is connected with learning to feel sensation and emotion on the inside of your body. It’s also to do with having a sense of self, as an individual. This is why diet, sleep and exercise are so crucial to help that reconnection happen. Moving the body gets you out of the head and feeling things, plus it stimulates digestion. The second aspect of the will to live is finding your own sense of meaning, excitement, curiosity and interest in doing things. Who you are and want to be in the world. This needs to begin with very basic things like what you like to eat, if you like nature, sea or cycling and whether you are more awake at night or in the morning. How can you possible face the then pressure of choosing school subjects, and deciding “what you want to do” and who you want to be when you have lost touch with the basics of who you are?

All of these are impossible if you are completely disconnected, overwhelmed and unable to feel yourself. In highly sensitive young adults the overwhelm can be really extreme, so the more you can understand overwhelm as apparent, and support your child’s emotional regulate through your own internal state, how you interact and helping them with taking short breaks to reset, the fast things will change. You will likely need support for this because to start with its very difficult to see what your child needs and where the problem is because of your own distress.

Teenagers haven’t learnt that things always change, and the way the feel now may be so bad that they can’t live with the idea of it continuing. They don’t know from experience that in half an hour or two days they may feel totally different. These are things that we all learn over time. We also learn that sometimes you just have to live with something you don’t like and keep going until you see an opening. That going for a run can change your mood. That what you eat affects the way you feel. That being in nature calms you and gives you uplifting thoughts whereas scrolling on your phone and comparing yourself to others can make you feel like a failure. These are very simple things that parents can offer children from their own expanded wisdom. If offered in the right language without too much pressure they will have effect…

Teenagers need to be given simple ways to come back to exploring the essence of themselves. As a parent, you know your child well, so you can offer them what they enjoy, what interests them and what fills them up. Whether that be nature, creativity, a trip to a football game with their dad, physical exercise, researching or exploring in some way.

Parental Boundaries and Intentions

Finding the will to live is also largely dependent on not being given the option to die. They say that what you focus on grows, and I have found this is true especially for mental health issues. If you want your teen better stop obsessing with their impulse to die and start focusing on their will to live. By that I mean that a parent who simply enforces clear boundaries by offering two positive options like “you can eat breakfast now or after you come back from walking the dog” (for an anorexic teen) is creating structure and choice for a teen in a way that helps them help themselves.

I have worked with parents of severely eating disordered teens who simply haven’t accepted their children’s wish for example to starve themselves to death as an option. Strangely some health professionals do seem to find this acceptable which complicates matters no end! I don’t feel that the right to choose should go as far as death when children are concerned. Instead they have offered two options to choose from – like eating the meals daily or going to an eating disorder institution – which have worked. Teenagers can make pro-life choices fairly easily with the right kind of support. Their suicidal expressions are more often than not expressions of emotional distress and wanting help rather than the wish to die, and need to be heard as such.

Conclusion

Many teens are in a really tight predicament with their mental health right now. I have tried to show how parental awareness of the dynamics involved can help them to both assess where their children are at, and what basic measures they can put in place to help them. More than anything I have attempted to provide an orientation for parents to help them understand teenage distress in all its facets right now, so that they can take stock for themselves in their family.

The current global and local dynamics right now are intense, distressing and uncertain and come with a precursor of social trauma, change and isolation. By explaining basic principles of creation, destruction, how the will to live is found when we reconnect with body sensation and individual preference and meaning, I hope to give you some pointers to hold onto in a very difficult and distressing terrain. I will repeat that if you are your children are facing serious mental health issues, please do not hesitate to seek medical and mental health support. Medications can be life-saving supports in times of transition, as can other people who are experienced in handling intense emotion and anxiety. Please remember that we are all in this together, and that you as a parent count immensely more than probably realise in our global future. And let that be an inspiration to keep you going.